Wednesday, September 11, 2013


I have never been a big porn watcher, but recently (the past month or two) I find myself reaching for the computer on occasion when I want to spice up my alone time.

The only site I really go to is redtube.  I click on the Most Popular Videos and pick one whose thumbnail catches my eye.  Sometimes it's some straight guy on girl and then there are times when there is nothing straight about it.  

Today's selection had the title "Is It Raining?"  Feeling naughty, I followed the curious title down the rabbit hole.  Before the credits were done rolling I had my first orgasm.  I had never seen anything like it and it was so hot to me.

These women were being fucked or playing with their pussies and making these delicious moans as they came streams at the camera, on themselves and all over the cocks they were fucking.  My clit is swelling just thinking about it again.

I had never seen this phenomenon before.  Oh sure, I have heard about the squirters and never really understood how it was possible, but there it was, and not just one woman.  there were five or six different girls in this 2 hour video.

I didn't watch all 2 hours...yet.  After my excitement over the credits, I had to see a little more.  After all it was just so sexy.  I am not going to get into too many crazy details, I will allow you to check it out for yourselves as I have posted the video here.  However, I will say that the first girl is a dirty one, and oh how I myself like to be a good, dirty girl.

Friday, May 21, 2010

I have a shiny new bauble.

I have been making it for the past month or so with this hot man. A strong body, great hands, and skills like no other. He has a knowledge and a lack of shame that I find so hard to resist.

See, I am a slow to open up in a way. I am sort of shy and awkward at first in bed. I lack a confidence. That is until you get me warmed up, but I can only go as far as my partner will take me. I am not really an initiator, an explorer, but I so want to be. I am sort of a good girl that wants to be bad. Nah. I am not really that good. Just inexperienced.

I have had what I consider to be a lot of sex in my life, but not a lot of right sex. I mostly never really got sex and seldom really enjoyed it. I am a pleaser and I get arousal from a man getting off, but still, when some guy is just grunting and thrusting on top of you and it sort of is uncomfortable, even when he climaxes, it isn't that thrilling.

I never really open my mouth and asked for what I want. I am too embarassed to. It shouldn't be that way though. Sex should be a shared experience. It is about intimacy and openness with another person. As I mature, I try to ask for this or that, but still I am so stifled by some sort of shame.

When I was with Ex, I would make suggestions or say things or maybe sort of venture into the realms of deviancy, but he wasn't really there with me. I mean in four years, he never really put his hands on my pussy and I can count the number of times he went down on me on one hand and the amount of minutes on the other. I mean he had some mean hip action, but that was about it for us.

Now this guy, this little play thing, is amazing. He makes me feel so sexy, and I want to be adventurous with him. I feel open and comfortable and a willing participant. I still don't think I am too vocal about what I want, but I don't really need to be. He just knows. It is like he was made out of sex clay just for ID.

Oh sure there are other admiral qualities about him. It isn't just the sex. We dig on similar music. He is interesting to talk to. I think he is well read and intelligent. He writes well. Speaks well. Makes me laugh. He can cook-a notable quality for a foody such as myself. But let me get back to the sex.

I am not an easy sell when it comes to the orgasm. Even when pleasuring myself at times it eludes me. I would love to shout from the rooftops that this cat has pulled off the biggest heist of the year, but no. Unfortunately, not yet. But he is one hell of a trier.

He has this amazing cock that like never goes away. I mean he orgasms and then can just keep right on going, without missing a beat. Who does that? I have never heard of that in my life. I have seen someone quick to recover. Remember Koala? Please out there, if you are reading this and you know of someone else with this phenomenon let me know. Most guys I have ever been with are like a bear that has been shot with a tranq dart once they come-Done, over and out. Not my little wrestler. He just keeps right on pushing, thrusting, flipping me over.

And that is another thing. The bed acrobatics. Ok. Have you ever been with someone and you want to go from one position to another. It is bumpy and awkward and the dick seems to slip out. Once again, this is mostly my experience. I don't know if it is because he did wrestle or what, but he will pull my leg, lift his hip and before I know I am on the bottom.

So, I don't know how long I get to keep my shiny bauble. I don't know if it is more than sex. Sometimes I think I am crushing on him so hard and sometimes I think I am just enjoying my bedroom time. He has a crazy new schedule since he took a graveyard shift job, so I don't really get to see him a whole lot outside of a few encounters here and there. It helps to keep things in perspective. Having really good sex with someone I think can make you feel closer than what you may be. I like him. I am for sure on that. Just how much? Who knows.

Late night 4X4 drive

Let me tell you. There are still some smooth cats out there who know how to impress a chica on a first date.

Last night, I had a dinner date with someone who has been sniffing around and showing some interest of the past few weeks or so. He cooked for me at his place.

He is an outdoorsy kind of guy, but not redneck. He doesn't own a television-hasn't for a long time. I like someone that is comfortable disconnecting from the mainstream. He has a son. I am learning that someone having kids doesn't bother me as much as it once did. His boy is eleven and actually looks like a pretty rad kid from all the pictures he has around. That was another thing. There were pictures of his family everywhere. It gave such a nice warm feeling to his house.

I arrive to a cute little cabin in the woods. The place was impeccable. Nothing was out of place. The bathrooms were spotless. The back deck looked out over the Prescott National Forest. With a cold Negro Modelo waiting for me, he asked me questions and told me about himself as he cooked steaks, potatoes and that salad i like so much with basil, tomatoes and mozzarella cheese. Dinner was simple but delicious.

He suggests a late night drive to a waterfall. How could a girl resist. We went crazy trekking up and down hills and over insane ravines and gullies that would have destroyed my little roller skate. His old Jeep made it just fine. Being a mechanic-a jack of all trades it seems really-he restored the vehicle himself. I find a man that knows his way around a car is pretty sexy. I laughed and enjoyed the entire ride. It was far better than a roller coaster. Finally we arrived at the end of the bumpy road, but we still had a bit more to go to get to the waterfall.

We hiked in a bit. Note to those out there: tipsy, late night hiking is dangerously fun. We finally arrived to this amazing spot where a gorgeous waterfall pounded the rocks and water. A swimming hole begged me to jump in, but the coolness of the evening and the water told me it was better not to. We sat in silence for long time, lying on our backs just watching the sky and listening to the water and the frogs as they sung to each other.

It was smooth. It was the best date I have been on in a long time. After a long while, a shared hand rolled cigarette and another Negro Modelo each, we headed back to the Jeep. When we got back to his house, dessert was ready-cooked pears in a ginger sugar glaze. Oh my. So good. This man has charm.

Handsome, simple, honest. These are my first impressions. When i was leaving he wrapped his arm around me and gave me a sweet and gentlemanly kiss on my lips. Perfect.

As first dates go, I give this one an 8.75.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Have you missed me?

If you have been wondering where I have been, wonder no more. Where you worried about me? Were you thinking I was hit over the head, kidnapped, lying in a ditch, gave up on dating? Hell no. Some email hacker stole my stuff. But I begged and pleaded and offered the Google guys some sexual favors and here I am. Back and badass.

So there have been some exploits since the last time we spoke. Koala have moved away. No more strange, dirty stuffed animal sex. I haven't been really hitting up the online dating scene too much. I've been too busy. I got a new job downtown bar tending / waitressing. I have been going out more and meeting people and people have been coming in and meeting me. Below is one such tale.

One of my first days on the job, this handsome hispanic looking man comes in with his kid. Now, I am not really a man-who-has-a-kid kind of person, but I thought this guy way gooohood looking. We do some friendly flirts here and there. As he is leaving he fishes for his business card, I stealthfully produce my number from my pocket and say, "why don't you call me."

A few days later he texts. He asks me out a few times only giving me hours notice. I am just not that type of girl. I need to know at least three days in advance. I have such a hectic schedule and I am worth the notice.

Finally, after several attempts we find a time and day that works for both of us. A hike date. My favorite kind. We head to the old copper mine, drink a beer by the runoff stream, eat sushi at Esoji's and top off the evening drinking red wine from tall glasses. If that is all there was to tell, it sounds like a perfect date, but I am the I.D. and there is always more to tell.

Over the course of our date, which I would say lasted four hours, I learned copious amounts about him. Unfortunately, he learned nothing about me. It isn't because I wouldn't talk. It is because I couldn't. The few times I tried to share something about me, I was interrupted immediately with another story about his life. It was laughable and agitating.

So what did I learn about this man. Well...

he has psychic abilities to read minds.
he will someday wake me up telepathically.
his mother was murdered when he was twenty three and his family thinks that he did it.
he was struck by lightning but never told anyone.
he left his body when he was hit by lightening and "they" sent him back after talking to him, erasing his memory, and giving him new "powers"
he was a rapper, but lightning took his rapping ability away.
he was shot in the head by a forty caliber and his head shattered the bullet sending it flying in four pieces in the walls beside and behind him and then .5 inches into the concrete floor below him.
he played humpty hump on stage as shock g's stunt double three times and stayed in character all the way to the hotel
he was a bounty hunter in colorado and was dog's competition.
his life parallels our president's and people often tell him that
his mother speaks to him often from the grave.
he read a man's mind at dinner and decided he was an asshole.
he smells like fried chicken.
he was punched in the throat and it crushed his vocal chords and that is why he talks the way he does-he talks like Christian Bale as Batman, very throaty and sort of ominous.
we went to esoji, he ordered mad food, and then forgot his card. i paid. $80
he wouldn't leave when i was so falling asleep.
he called me a prude (sort of jokingly) because i didn't want to get physical. I am just not that kind of girl.
he got mad when i wouldn't hold his hand because that is something intimate and personal to me that I only do with people that I care about.
he left, finally.

He texted me the next day, and asked how I slept. I replied, "don't you know already?" Psychic my ass. More like a little Psycho. :)

Glad to be back,

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

xxx-not far from plushophilia?

i have been away for a stint, but i am here now. I have got a doosey for you. Be warned, graphic material to ensue. Mom, stop reading now :)

Oh, does anyone know what a desire to have sex in an animal costume is? I know plushophilia is a fetish, but that is to plush toys.

Enjoy the post.

koala and I haven't had much time to hang out lately. With both our schedules being so busy it was difficult. Plus I have been enjoying some serious girl power time with my friends and I have been trying to spend less time with him. Not because I don't like him or his company, I am just trying to establish the friendship side of our relationship. I think tonight friendship took a backseat to horny and yet another blow was struck against my lame yet constant attempts to be a little more wholesome.

Last night, he came over and we watched some movies, had a glass of wine and laughed at him in my easter bunny costume. The costume is a full rabbit suit with feet, hands and mask. The costume was originally worn by the Ex. I cut a hole in the crotch so he could relieve himself as the beer began to ferment his liver. Koala comes out of the back bedroom with with dangle protruding from the slit announcing, "I am the Easter Bunny. I am here to fertilize your eggs." I was filming this with my recently fixed camcorder and laughing subsequently. Koala has a toilet humor mind. It brings me back to the days of high school and locker room humor. Is it just one of those signs that he is so much younger.

As he is peeling off the layers of fuzz and turning into a man again, he begins, "I have an awkward question to ask you."

"oh, no. What is it?"

"Will you take naked pictures of me?"

"For your own reasons or for a project?"

"Well, there is a company that is hiring people for jack off shots."

"The sex industry sells. That is for sure. I can speak for it and say there is money to be made there, and if I can help you make money, why not."

"Can we practice tonight?"

This totally caught me off guard. "Well, I wasn't ready for that but why not." A grilled cheese sandwich and another glass of wine later and I was ready to play Jackie Treehorn.

On my couch, in front of my camera, a boy lays naked at the wait. This is one of the most interesting ways I have ever passed time while hanging out. He begins to stroke and massage his rather lengthy phallus. I watch through the lens and begin to feel a certain familiar shudder in my secret. As he rubs his shaft with short and long strokes and rubs his oddly tiny midget fingers and hands over the head I feel warm, and then hot and finally bothered. I begin to talk dirty to him. I ask him to touch it this way or that, move it here or there for a better camera angle. "You going to make dirty money jerking off for the camera, you little slut."

"MM. yes.

"Yeah you will."

"You know that makes you a little whore, right." That must have been the magic word. I watched as his pace quickened. I heard his breathing become shallow and heavy and through my 3X2 lcd screen I caught the money shot. I needed a cigarette. Bizarre as it was, it was hot. Is that wrong of me?

I asked if wanted to see himself on the TV. We watched his performance together. He noted where he could do better here or there. "Next time I would do this differently. Next time you need to move around some more and get diffferent angles. Do you want to try it again?"

"What? NOw?"


"UM, sure"

He began to disrobe for session number two. I poised myself on the floor next to him. The rejuvenating ability of his cock is amazing. I have NEVER and I mean that NEVER known a man to be "ready" again so quickly. I should be said that when he cums again here, he was ready to go almost instantly following.

Once again, the scene starts off much as it did before. He is working his dick with both hands, one hand, long strokes, short ones. I am giving him direction, "lift it up more, move your left hand out of the frame," and others. All of this is causing a stirring somewhere deep inside me. How I need and want to reach out and touch it. I want to help him along. It must be said that I adore my lips wrapped around a pretty penis. It is just something that I have always liked ever since my first love. Over the years I think I have perfected my technique through practice, observation and reading some interesting titles on the subject. I almost always jump at an opportunity to share my gift with others.

Somewhere along the way, I have taken my shirt off. My leopard bra cupping my once D breasts, but hard work and plenty of exercise have whittled them down to a healthy 36C. I lean close. I rest the silk of the brazier on his thight and slide between his legs. on my knees and my legs spread I ask him to "show me what I am missing" because we are no longer having sex. I ask him to "think about my sweet puss wrapped tightly around his beast, sliding and grinding in on and around you.

He asks me, when I feel like it, to tell him when to cum. He wants to see if on cue he can will himself into orgasm. I follow the movement of his hands, watching the head crown from his palm with each downward stroke. I begin to feel the warm tingle in me grow and I want it. I want to see the creamy goodness he has waiting for me. "NOw. I want you to come for me now."

He begins to stroke with more voracity. Grunts and moans of pleasure slip from his lips.

"Come on, you can do it for me. I want to see it. I want to taste it. Cum for me now." I lower myself closer to the floor and open my waiting mouth below him. "Cum now and I will let you shoot your load on my face and down my throat. NOw. I want it now." In a moment, his hand was on the back of my head and the camera was now in his hand. He forced my mouth deep and hard on him. It made me cough and gag, but I didn't mind. My hands and mouth took over instantly. The camera running, filming him disappear deep into my throat only turned me on more.
For nearly a half hour, I slurped and sucked my way into what I swear must be some sort of record. All my yoga and core training prepared me for this moment. I was a porn star, and I was good. Switching between deep penetration, finger play, tight grip, tongue action and everything else I picked up over the years. I pulled no stops. Just when I thought I was tired and had nothing left, Koala would groan or whimper and it would invigorate me to push. Between my legs dripped with pleasure. I so love the blow job.

And when I worked myself out, he took over once again. I sat between his legs cheering him on, begging for his load. When he was ready, he stood up, grabbed my hair and shoved my face deep into his crotch. I felt the kick of his ejaculate and the warm smoothness of it enter deep in the back of my throat.

A few minutes to quiet the beating of my heart and I spoke, "That was just for fun right. I mean it was like a happy accident and I don't want that all the time. It was just one of those things, right?"

"absolutely. You give amazing head. That was the best I have had in a long time."

"I know. I am going to bed now. I think I might have to get one for myself before bed, but don't get me wrong. I enjoyed that very much. It is the closest I can get to cumming myself"

"Do you want me to come into the bedroom and help you?"

"No, I am just fine. But you can listen if you want. Goodnight."

This morning I woke up late for work, but in such a good mood. Ah. Here is to friends with benefits.

PS Don't worry the tape is safe with me.

Friday, February 5, 2010

They call him the Douche

Here is a funny douche bag story for you all. Boys, let this be a warning. Mind your P's and Q's.

Last Saturday, I met a boy at the bar. He was nice enough. I was hanging out by myself. My girl, Killer Eye was working. I was drinking my usual soda and cranberry with lime. I went down by the fire pits and was enjoying the contrast of the heat from the fire against the cool winter night air. I was people watching and listening. Soon, this man came up to me. He invited me into conversation. I gladly engaged. We talked about my friend Killer Eye, she is a photographer and he is in film. There was nothing so special about him, but whether she yields or refuses, it delights a girl to have been asked. He asked for my number. I gave it and was soon heading home.

Last night, I went out again. There was music. There was soda water, and there was the dude. I felt the need for a square and bummed one from him, calling him by name. He handed me one, "I'm sorry. You will have to refresh me on your name." I reminded him. Now I was laughing in my head. We talk a bit. He asked who I was out with. I told him that I was here to see Killer and listen to music. He replies, "I would like to meet her. She seems like we would have a lot in common." I am cracking up on the inside.

It is clear that he is intoxicated. I just hang out for the ride. Eventually Killer steps outside. I introduce the two briefly. Killer this is Douche. He works on film. Douche, this is Killer. She is a photographer who takes stills for movies.

"Did I tell you I was a videographer?" he queries.

"Don't you remember. I told you about my friend, Killer, too."


I finish my cigarette and head in. I boogie down a bit to the beat the DJ is putting out. Eventually, and pretty early for me on a Thursday, I head home.

Today, talking to Killer, I tell her about Douchey McDouchington. She laughs, "He was trying to get at me at the bar last night. He was saying that he and I should hang out sometime. I told him that I was working. I couldn't hear him and that if he wanted to get at me, he should do so outside of work. Then he asked me about photography. 'Dude! Didn't you hear me. I'm busy.'"

I am laughing out loud now.

A word to the not so wise, don't be a douche. Don't get that drunk. Don't pester the bartender. Don't forget that you were hitting on the bartender's friend if you want to hit on the bartender at a later date.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

All business

I met up with Ex. We met at Starbucks. He was there before me, sipping coffee and eating cookies. I had agonized slightly over what I should wear, how I should look. At first I was going for I don't care in my workout gear. Then I had on a comfortable casual outfit. I finally went for something professional dressy. I am not sure why I felt I needed to look good. Was it more for him or me? I want to believe me. I think I wanted to feel totally confident. Maybe he thought I was going to meet someone after. Maybe he knew I only dressed well to hide my weaknesses.

I slid into the chair across from him at the table, saying hello. I laid my papers on the table, "how are you?"

He began to shuffle through the documents, reading this one, asking me questions about another one. "How is work?"

"Fine. They are getting rid of tenure here probably. I teach an overload this year. I get paid a little more. It makes things easier. Money makes everything easier."

"Business is good," he said lifting his voice a little.

"Are you asking me if business is good for me or telling me about your business?"

"No, my business is good."

"Well, I am glad. I refer people to you all the time." I am so glad to know that the business I helped start, the business I gave more than 2/3 start up capital too is doing well. In a way it pisses me off that he would think that I care, but at the same time I am never going to get my money back if business sucks.

After he sifted through the last paper, I asked, "anything else you need?" He shook his head. "Well, call me when it is all done. I extended my hand, thanks for doing this."

He clasped my hand and said, "yeah," but never looked me in the eye. I stood up and walked out the door. The whole meeting took a little over ten minutes.

After I was a mix of fine and not so fine. I teared up a bit. I texted some friends. I called my mom. Koala told me to come over. We were going to go to the gym, but he suggested a late night hike by granite mountain. I was so game. My spirits lifted instantly.

For two hours we traipsed around the woods with our headlamps on. He taught me how to use a handheld gps. We chugged a few beers. Laughing and a little tipsy, the problems I thought I had were left behind.

I wish I liked Koala in that way. He is a good man. Home again, I texted him, "thanks." I knew he suggested the hike to get my mind off things.

"no worries," was his reply.

I snuggled under the covers, turned on my ac powered friend, gave myself a little treat and then I was out. All stressful days should end this way.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

wheels in motion ...

turning, turning in my head. thoughts tumble around, socks in the dryer. I need to do my laundry.

Ever since I ran into Ex at the bar I have been thinking here and there. At first, the thoughts seemed harmless. Ex would pop into my head and I would replay the scene at the bar. I would smile at how well I handled it all. It was all harmless. Harmless, hmph! The cute hamster seems harmless too until it gnaws through the metal bars of its cage and eats the faces off the kids.

Soon, every time he would pop into my head, I would get just a little less smily. That bar scene didn't seem so much fun anymore. I began to play the reels of fun and adventures and late night Lost sessions. The sadness began to salivate when it recognized the familiar ring of his face, his laugh, his love. I miss the closeness. I don't think we ever get over that.

We are animals, naturally wanting to couple. It is unnatural not to. It is unwise to do so hastily. I don't blame myself for wanting. I have to be honest and say I don't really want him I want a connection.

Tumbling, rumbling, ruminating-the turning of my thoughts moves me to action. The gym. The blog. The kitchen. The damn laundry. I feel better. I stretch. I breathe. I allow all of it to move through me. I have found center for the moment.

Tomorrow I will see him. We have an appointment to discuss business. My knees wobble at the thought. Why do I feel scared? Mine is not to reason why. Mine is but to do or die.

I am marching into a battle. The enemy is fear and suffering. I have my pride. I will give into none. I will be brave and impenetrable. I will be swift and efficient. I won't give the son of a bitch one crumb of my self esteem.

Dude, do you hear trumpets blaring right now or maybe some Beyonce?

Wish me luck.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

a string of events and running into Ex

I have spent friday and saturday mostly in bed bingeing and watching movies. i felt bad about what i was doing to my body, but i so enjoyed the sugar and fat. I knew i was going out saturday to meet up with some friends. i felt bloated and disgusting and i thought how ironic if tonight is the night i run into Ex. Irony is a bitch.

I went to Annie's, where Killer Eye was working. I wasn't there before long I spotted The Other Woman, the one Ex left me for. I was kind of taken aback. I did a double take and from across the bar I half mouthed, "Hey. How are you doing?"

She looked like a deer in headlights as she responded, "Good. and you."

"I'm fine." What the fraggle rock was happening. I was on auto pilot and how funny that auto pilot was a nice place not some I-want-to-rip-your-arm-off-and-beat-you-with-it-girly response. After the shock of the moment wore off and I could see she was no longer at the bar, I began telling KIller Eye that my Ex's new woman was there and assuredly so was he.

As the words left my lips, up strolls the little fellow. He taps me on the opposite shoulder, and I look as if I don't know where he is standing. "Hey, how are you?" Knee jerk reaction is to hug him. It is genuine and not awkward.

He asks me about how I have been. How my cats and dog are. If I still live in the same house. I tell him that I am going to take my taxes to him. He says I should, "I already know everything anyway about you." He tells me he had five tax cutomers that day. I express my pleasure for him. The conversation falls silent and I look across the bar while sipping on my soda water. "Well." he says, "It was nice seeing you."

"You too. Take care." We hug again and he disappears into the crowd swaying to the music.

I didn't feel bad or weird or sad. I felt and feel really nothing. That is pretty rad.

Before long Crazy Curly rubs my side. He is drunk and that annoys me. He tells me he has booked the band that we are listening to for the 5th of February and that I should come. "Hmm," I say through straw sips.

And older gentleman hits on me and tries to convince me that he is well off and can do and does whatever adventures he wants.

A bartender I played a round of golf with came up to me and hung out for several minutes, reminiscing about our golf game and the dinner we had after.

I felt tired and wanted to come home early. Back from the bar now and in bed. It was a nice night for me. I feel satisfied with everything.

Sunday morning I am lying in bed and Killer Eye calls me to tell me that the Other Woman was not so endearing to the bartenders. Apparently the bar was slammed and there were people there ten deep. His Woman did not like waiting. Killer told he she would need to wait or leave. She didn't like that too much. She never tipped them and wrote on her bill "Service was terrible". Ex was embarrassed and dropped a $10 and told the bartenders he was sorry.

It is wrong to feel glee that I was classy and she was less than? Yes, yes it is. I will try to be humble. Perhaps I made her uncomfortable. Perhaps she feels guilt and handles the stress with anger and alcohol. Perhaps it has nothing to do with me at all. Maybe she is just a wack-a-doo and I must show compassion for the poor creature. I will, giggling.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Koala made me a playlist

There are a few songs that I couldn't add because I couldn't find them.

Northern Industrial Town - Billy Bragg
The Busy Girl Buys Beauty - Billy Bragg
Hindsight - Built to Spill

All of the songs on the playlist are awesome. If you listen to the lyrics and the titles of the songs I think it speaks of just how he thinks / thought of me. Not to mention the music itself is great. Way to go Koala.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

An old love letter...

I was going through some computer files and moving things to and from my external hard drive to my laptop. I came across an old folder of my writing. In it was a love letter I sent to a man that continues to creep into my life here and there since he was a boy in his last year of high school, and I was a girl pretending she was a woman who worked in a late night coffee shop. Hmm, another young one. There is a pattern forming here.

My love was unrequited. After that I read The Rules-I still have trouble following them. Not long after that, I moved to AZ. I still swoon when I read his poems.

S. —

How should I start this letter? How does anyone start this letter? This one! The one that says “it”! The epistle in which is all that is held in my heart. How do I say all the things that have been swimming around inside my head for so long it seems. Secretly, I am screaming them, hoping you would hear, so I would not have to say all of it. Though, I know you do hear, or you would not say, “I wish you didn’t like me so much.” But I do. And you know that, this.

You are the song I sing to myself, the thought that stops me in mid . . . whatever. The glow. The smile. I am swinging around a lamppost in the pouring rain singing some silly tune. You are beautiful. You are motion and sound and, at times, air. For years I have kept you in a scrapbook, the vestige of a fantasy I shared with my pillow and the dark silence of my room. Now, that you are flesh to me, my reality seems more delusive. You are descended from Zeus, born from fire, carved of marble. You are mystery and heat. You are a mythical beast hovering over me. Under you, lying back in your bed, I have thought, “this isn’t happening.” But it was, and it did. And we tasted our sweetness, I yours and you mine. You are my vitamin, my daily dose of essential nutrients - wit, absurdity, sex, verse. I crave your nourishment.

I am wrapped in a mantle of everything that is you, or rather everything I have you built you up to be; no, they are the same. You are a mortal and a god, you are the angelic and the evil, you are the giver and the thief.

If the tomorrows to come find me without you, let the one word, “yes”, sound in your head, as it is the answer to all the questions that I ask myself when you are concerned. Yes. Yes! Yes, I do love you. I love to the depths and the breadth as in sonnets and songs. I love as purely as the princess loves her knight in courtly notions. I love from somewhere deep. As I write these words and reflect on the object of my affections I am inspired, and grateful, and overwhelmed. If ever that day comes when my soft curves no longer draw faint lines in your bed and my scent has vanished from your memory, please know the yesterdays I have shared with you, I will muse for eons to follow.


— [I.D.]

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

No Longer Undecided.

First, I would like to begin this post by announcing the new name of Nature Boy. He from this moment will be known as Koala. This name was originally bestowed upon him by Inky and is, I must say, quite fitting. Thanks, Ink.

That being said, let us commence with the gory details of an adult conversation about the ending of a romantic relationship.

I spent the past few days with Koala. He and I took a great trip up north. He is a fantastic travel companion, and I stand by my word when I say he is a blast to hang out with. Over the trip, I made the decision that I for sure did not see a future with this man. There are so many factors for this. Some of them may make me sound pretentious or petty and some are just awkward, bumpy clashes in the nooky department.

Tonight, K Dawg came over to hang out and do some laundry. I was terrified to have this conversation with him. It must be said that I don't usually have this conversation. I usually avoid the dude and hope he gets the hint. However, I enjoy Koala's company, I feel he deserves my respect, and it is just the right, adult thing to do.

I decided that when he reached for me is when I would pounce with my pungent news. I cleverly avoided him all night. It was just about time for my company to leave when he walks up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist.

"It is time we talk," I said immediately. I had been rehearsing my lines all night.

"About what?"

"About this. About us."

I sat him on the couch and turned down the music. "Yeah, it is that serious," I said with a smile, trying to be a little light, feeling the tension. "You asked me once that when I make a decision about you to make it once. Well, I made a decision. I don't see us having a future as a romantic couple. I know that I have taken your for a ride, and I apologize, but I was truly conflicted about my feelings for you. No more cute flirty conversations or touches from here on. However, I do so enjoy your company. I have said that many times, and that is true. I would like for us to still hang out and have adventures. I think we have the makings of a strong and fun friendship. I don't need you to say anything now. I understand if you want some time to digest all of this and meditate on the situation. It would be cool if you hung out a little longer, but I understand if you need to leave right now." I ended my speech by looking into his eyes, caramel orbs sitting in murky skin. I had been looking at the plaid pattern on my trousers until then.

I saw a corner of his mouth lift, a vain attempt to let me know it was ok. I didn't feel bad. I didn't feel like I needed to be reassured. I was comfortable with my decision. I was honest about how I felt. I made a conscious choice. I may have dinged someone's heart in the process, but it was never intentional.

This is my journey. I will meet souls along the way that either vibe with me or they don't. I can't make excuses or exceptions in my life any longer.

He stayed maybe a half hour more before he left. We talked about a hike to a waterfall in town and maybe a caving adventure in the future. It felt easy. The conversation was effortless. It was bizarre and wonderful.


Wednesday, January 13, 2010

A Rose by any other name does not smell as sweet.

There are things about nature boy that seem so mature. He has a worldly air about him that is a turn on. There are times, most times really, that I forget just how old he is. I forget that nearly a decade separates us. On occassion, I am reminded of this fact when I bring up The Great Space Coaster or quote cellulose classics like Better Off Dead or Threesome.

However, none reminds me of our age difference more than his vernacular with regards to his, um, manhood. What is his favorite reference for his phallus you ask? Allow me to enlighten and entertain, WIENER! Yes, that is right. The man-boy refers to his strong arm with the same word sung in commercial jingles, used by Germans when referring to a Viennese small sausage, and by the lovers (and haters) of that four legged waddler, the dachshund.

The thought of this makes me cringe. Did I step into a time warp that dropped me into a Junior High locker room where pimply-faced boys are discussing their limited knowledge of sex and all things related? Who over the age of 12 refers to his junk as his wiener? Call it your johnson or rod. Tell me you want to give me the high hard one. Say your snake needs to be let out of its cage, but please, oh please, stop calling it your wiener.

I have put him on suspension from the word. If he plans on me putting my own special sauce on his oscar meyer, he is forbidden from ever uttering that juvenile term again.

Wiener? Seriously?!?

Saturday, January 9, 2010

more talking

i find it amusing that the things we can't have or the things we deny ourselves are what we want more. I spent much of the evening with the nature boy yesterday. the plan was to eat and then head out to sundance's to watch hot skin play. i was über excited to see the show. unfortunately, or maybe fortunately we never made it.

the other night as the two of us were hanging out, i explained to the kid my needs and expectations. i never really took the time to listen or ask about his. it is part of my resolve this year to be a better communicator by listening more than talking. when the subject was breached, i went in with the question, "so, what do you want?"

"huh?" was his reply.

"out of this relationship, what are you looking for?"

"well, i am a bit confused by the no more sex thing. i totally have a crush on you in case you didn't know, and i can give you the time you need to figure things out. but when you make a desicsion about me let me know and only make that decision once. i don't want to go back and forth."

these words made me a little heart sick. i am not playing games with this person, but in that moment i realized there is another person involved. another person's feelings need to be considered. it makes the making it about me and what i want so much more difficult when i care about how i affect another.

i promised to not play games and to be upfront about my feelings. i walked into the other room to continue to get ready to go out. while applying the faintest hint of eyeshadow just below my brow line a thought occurred to me. brush and makeup in hand i strolled back into the living-room. he was creating his own wii fit character-rather cute actually-and with no segue i said, "the deal is that i don't believe i take you seriously because you are so much younger. to be honest, i don't believe that you could possibly take this seriously either. in my experience and what i think i know about men is that a young man isn't ready for that long term commitment and what that means. i don't mean that i want to marry you next week or even next year, but that is the whole point of this dating thing, of what we are doing-to meet someone that you think, 'hey, i could spend the whole til-death-do with this person without killing them to get there more quickly.'"

this comment made roughly at 8:15 began a conversation that would last well past midnight. we asked an answered each others questions. our conversation turned from serious relationship talk to comfortable communication. we smoked cigarettes in my kitchen under the fan. i watched the smoke pour from his mouth and nose and disappear pirouetting into the vent. he spoke of global issues and the evils of consumerism. i looked around the room at the many things that i have accumulated. i wondered how many were made by tiny malaysian girls in dank sweat shops. probably many. i felt no guilt. i wondered how our differences would even hold up over time. i felt a little intimidated by his knowledge. i questioned the validity of our staying power. i questioned it outloud, to him, very directly. "how can you even expect this to work? you have a view and a knowledge about the world and things that are completely foreign to me. i only have my immediate sphere, and this is pretty much my only concern. how can you even think i would hold your interest over time?"

"i am trained as a social studies teacher. i teach environmental education to youth. these are the things i know and talk about. what you know, you know very well. don't sell yourself short. you hold my interest better than anyone ever has in a long time," he said.

"that is just because i am adorable," was my awkward, coy response.

"i don't know if you have noticed, but there are a lot of cute girls around prescott. if it was just because you were cute or just because i wanted sex i wouldn't be here right now. i know i am younger, but i have seen and done a lot in my life. i am not a typical 26 year old. i feel i know what i want. i am not some boy that needs to be made into a man." he looked over my shoulder at the green glow of the digital clock on my microwave, "with that, it is time to go."

i could feel inside me how i wanted him to stay. i wanted to reach out and pull him in close to my bosom and hip and just stand there, holding him, hugging him. i met his gaze and looked long. he broke the tractor beam and turned toward the door, "good night, [i.d.]"

"good night"

i stood in the kitchen for several more minutes with fantasies dancing like fabled plum fairies in my head. i imagined him coming back in, taking me over the counter, on the floor, against the cool open refrigerator door. i broke free from the bonds of my dirty thoughts and turned the deadbolt, closed the blinds, shut off the lamp. with the lights out, the phosphoric bloom of the television creates shadows on the walls that slither and skip. with the sound muted, only the occasional clicks and whoosh of the furnace can be heard. in the semi dark and semi silence of my house, i slipped into bed. the warm tingle of him still tickling my fancy. i tickled my own fancy.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

the talk

tonight hanging out with nature boy, i found myself entering into the conversation i was sort of hoping to avoid. however, i don't know if that could be completely true since i am the one who started the conversation.

in case you didn't know or didn't remember i made a promise to myself to steer clear of a sexual relationship. i wanted to get to know me a little more. i wanted to get to know someone else a little more before complicating things with sex. i didn't last too long with nature boy. this disappointed me. i felt like i was slipping into all too familiar patterns. i have had plenty of sex in my life. i want something more.

i have been withdrawing physically from the kid. and the more i back away, the closer he moves in. i felt that i owed myself and him some honesty. tonight, i explained to him that i wasn't ready to make this relationship physical. that i moved too fast into that and i really wanted to rewind the clock a bit if i could.

there was some awkward conversation, he questioned himself. i did my best to assure him that this was all about me. i feel it a bit unfair that i expect someone to revolve around what my expectations are and what i want, but at the same time he will either be ok with that and we can continue to hang out because i truly do enjoy his company or he will not be able to accept the situation and stop talking to me.

the boy has his own issues with sex. some of which i learned tonight, but i will wait for a later time to post all that as i need some time to digest the latest turn of events.

after having spoken with him, i feel better. i feel empowered. i don't feel like i have power or that i am controlling or manipulating. i feel that i am being true to me. that is the most important thing in life. i need to honor and love and respect me. i did that tonight.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

hands off.

yesterday morning i hiked around granite mountain with nature boy. he loaded my pack up with some stones for added weight. this pissed me off at first. it was early and i was cold. i can be a bit bratty when things don't go the way i want them. it reminds me of the whining i would do when parents would wake me up for school in the morning. eventually i found my groove and was kicking his ass all over the trail. he did have a considerable amount more of weight in his pack though. he is training for the summer he will spend in colorado fighting forest fires.

the kid is pretty honest. he doesn't offer empty compliments really. he tells it like it is. and as the adage goes sometimes the truth hurts. during the course of our hike he agreed that i talked too much, was a bit selfish about my involvement in my place in the world, and said i had a bit of italian princess in me. i don't think he is wrong, but to hear someone say these things is shocking. most people filter their mouths a bit more. he also told me once about the problem he had with me giving him a homemade mix cd for christmas because how they are destroying the earth.

last night i went to the tavern and met some friends. i stayed for a few and headed home. i stopped off at nature boy's place for a little late night hand rolled cigarette smoke. don't ask me why. i just enjoy smoking those wonderful little toothpicks. we made out for a touch and i was out the door. i didn't feel like making it with him. i just wanted to charge his engine (and mine) a little. i slipped home and into bed.

this morning i woke up with plans for another mid day hike. killer eye, nature boy and some others trekked it up around goldwater lake. much of the lake was frozen. there was lots of snow and mud. my dog took a huge lick of what looked and smelled like human feces. it was like she found a melty caramel bar. disgusting. despite that, it was a good time. the boy did well socializing with my friends. as we all know, sometimes when friends and lovers mingle, it can be disastrous.

i was heading to the movies later, so i dropped the kid off at his place. i went in for, yes another tobacco wonder. inside, as almost always, he feels the urge to cuddle. i mention something and he apologizes. i ask him to give me some space sometimes. i know this may be a little harsh, maybe not. it is honest though. i just don't feel the need to be affectionate like that. i don't really feel like we are dating, i take it as more of a friends with benefits thing. i believe that honesty and communication are key to any relationship-intimate, familial, platonic. however, i have no desire to have a serious talk with the boy. it would make things awkward and i don't want that. i like things the way they are. i hope i can just suggest here and there and he will take the hints and be the good little boy i know he can be. i feel that eventually our time together will end. however, until then, i am just having my fun.

Friday, January 1, 2010

new year, new me.

yesterday, killer eye asked me if i was bringing nature boy as my date to new year's eve at the joe's. i told her i was flying solo. thinking this might be a bad thing she asked me why. i said, "this is the year of the [i.d.], and that is how it should begin, with me in mind."

"great answer," she said.

and i must admit, going out last night with no date and no expectations was the best. i met some amazing people, some i knew already and some just new. it made for a wonderful evening. i laughed, i looked "banging hot", and i rang in the new year in the most exceptional way with the most exceptional person, me.

we make our own happiness. it isn't the friends by our sides, it isn't the money in our accounts, and it isn't the lovers in our beds. it is how we accept all that is around us and in us. i have never been so sure that i am where i am supposed to be. i have learned and grown so much in 2009. i have loved and lost, and it is true that was better than never having love in my life at all. i am better and stronger and smarter. i am more self reliant. i don't know what twenty ten will bring for me. i have no idea the ups and downs i will face-there will be both. i do know that i will do it all "with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child."

for auld lang syne,

Monday, December 28, 2009

keeping him at arm's length

last night nature boy came over to hang out. we played wii, ate homemade thin crust za, smoked hand-rolled cigarettes, and listened to music. as the evening wore on and we became a little heavy eyed, he snuggled up next to me in the overstuffed chair. he is always quite the snuggle bug. he cuddles A LOT. he also makes little noises of satisfaction. this i find a little annoying. actually there is something i noted last night. when we make out, the feeling of his kisses and his touch are appealing. it is the sight and sound senses of him that i don't find attractive. oh his voice is fine, it is just those noises. and he has these extraordinarily dark circles not just under his eyes, but around them. it is a bit disturbing to me. i must find something to help him with that. (you must think i am simply terrible.)

furthermore, he is a big complimenter. he tells me sweet things. this i don't mind so much. flattery will get you nowhere with me, but i sure like to hear it. he tells me i am pretty and that i have a strong body. my favorite is when he calls me "banging hot." however, it makes me worry about how he feels for me. i told him in the beginning i wanted no expectations. i just like hanging out with him. we have many similar interests. he is intelligent and we have some good conversations. he is a pretty rad cat in many ways, but i don't really feel that "thing" for him.

as he lay in my arms nearly squeezing the life out of me, he murmurs from the warmth and comfort of my bosom, "you're so pretty, [i.d.]."

considering these words, i say in return, "don't like me too much. i'll break your heart."

Thursday, December 24, 2009

second time is the charm.

so last night i hit up nature boy for a booty call. i figure now that i am not restrained by the chains of refrain i should go hog wild. i know that the first time left some to be desired, but the pull of desire for flesh allowed me to see my way past all that. the second time was much better. i can't say earth shattering, but definitely a lot of fun. i laughed a lot and had a blast. but i have learned something about this boy that i simply must share.

there is something about the intimacy of pillow talk that allows people to open up. nature boy decided to share his "penis" story with me. this is great. ok, so it must be said that he is sort of a marathon lover. i can't take it really. it has been too long for me. i need to work up to his level of stamina. i just attributed it to him being young. after last night, i know otherwise.

when he was about 21 he sought treatment for bouts of depression and anxiety. he was put on medication. the medication caused him to have a "raging boner" (his words) that lasted for most of the time he was awake and even asleep for DAYS on end. he tried to relieve the condition through masturbation and marathon sex sessions, but to no avail it would not go away. on day FOUR he made an appointment with his doctor. his doctor was pissed. he told him that one should seek medical attention if the erection lasts more than four hours. "you probably suffered some nerve damage," the doctor explained. he did. his phallus is slightly desensitized. this fact makes me a little sad. everyone should feel sex at its fullest potential. however, on a more upside, i to satisfy. perhaps a partner that can go the distance just may be able to help me find my stride.

heres to the throws of passion that have crept back into my bed. i knew i wouldn't hold out long.

practicing safe sex,

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

so does this mean my streak is over?

today is day two of a very long "date" nature boy and i got together last night. i helped him organize his new rental a little. we stopped off a joe's to pay a tab i made a few nights ago, and then we headed to my house. we drank a few wheat beers, played some wii, and were just chilling on the couch. a long silence fell over us. i broke it with, "if you wanted to make out a little now would be a good time."

a smile snuck across his lips and he moved in. a kiss turned into a touch into a grasp and then into an epic make out session. he was a perfect gentleman. he never tried to go anywhere that i didn't lead. neither of us took off any undergarments or pants. we just felt each other for hours and it felt incredible. we moved well together, like familiar dance partners. when i had no more left, he had plenty more to give, but i needed rest. we slept beside each other and woke up to another mtv the grind. i wanted desperately to get completely naked and feel all of this young man. i wanted what i hoped would be a spectacular event. but i couldn't. he never even asked me.

when we stumbled out of my rather crumpled bed, i made us a breakfast to ensure we were refueled from the monumental necking session. i made us a healthier three onion, mushroom and ham quiche. i am that cool that i just had all the ingredients for it at my house.

1 recipe Pie Crust, recipe follows
2 tablespoons unsalted lite butter
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 cup thinly sliced yellow onion
1 cup thinly sliced red onion
1 cup thinly sliced leeks, white parts only
6 ounces diced ham
8 ounces thinly sliced crimini mushrooms
2 teaspoons thyme
1 teaspoon minced garlic
1 teaspoons salt
1/2 teaspoon fresh ground white pepper
1/2 cup 2% milk
6 large eggs (used egg whites from carton)
1/8 teaspoon nutmeg
1 1/2 ounces grated Italian Blend Cheese, plus 1 1/2 ounces

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. roll out crust into 9 or 10" pie plate and chill for 30 minutes
line with foil and bake for 12 minutes. remove foil and bake for another 5 minutes. cool.

saute onions in butter and olive oil (8 min). add ham, mushrooms, thyme, garlic. tsp salt and pepper (8 min). cool and add to pie crust.

in a bowl combine eggs, 1/4 tsp salt and nutmeg. whisk until just blended. stir in 1 1/2 oz grated cheese. pour over onion mixture. top with 1 1/2 oz cheese. place the quiche on a sheet pan and bake 35 minutes rotating halfway through

For the Pie Crust:
1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
4 ounces (1 stick) cold unsalted butter, cut into pieces
3 to 4 tablespoons ice water, as needed

In a food processor combine flour, salt, and butter and process until mixture resembles coarse crumbs. While the motor is running, add water in increments until dough just comes together to form a ball. Transfer dough to a lightly floured surface and shape into a flat disk. Refrigerate overnight or at least 1 hour. Remove from refrigerator and roll out on a lightly floured surface to desired shape and thickness.

While we were eating breakfast, it began to snow. nature boy thought it would be a good idea to go on a snowy hike. i thought it was a swimming idea. we loaded up the doggies and headed to thumb butte. the hike was awesome. this day has been awesome. i have had a lot of fun.

as a final note: when i was getting ready to meet him yesterday, i found i was thinking about him in a daydreamy way. i noted to myself that it was a nice change from almost always thinking about Ex. i don't really see this going anywhere far, but i am having a heck of a time while it lasts.cheers.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

i kissed a boy

last night i just couldn't help myself. nature boy celebrated his 26th birthday last night. wow this kid is so much younger than me. 9 years is a big difference, especially when the girl is the older one. that may be a bit sexist, but it is the truth i feel.

anyway, i met up with him at joe's. he had been getting his drink on since about 8:30. i arrived at 10. i bought him a beer and a shot for the event. we went back to his place to chill. he just moved into a shoebox right over the hill from my place. we laughed and talked and played with the doggies. sitting on the couch watching him i wanted him to kiss me. i wanted him to reach over and lay a soft peck on my lips. the mood and moment were so right. how did i go from only seeing this guy as a friend to wanting to make out with him, i don't know.

he is not conventionally handsome. he isn't unattractive either, he just isn't make you stop your car and cause an accident hot. he is average. he is smaller in stature (what is up with me and the little guys?) he lives meagerly, and learning of his "dumpster diving" is horrifying to me. he doesn't have a degree (yet). he moves around a lot and calls no place home. the closest is chicago where he grew up. he is all wrong wrong wrong. but still i find myself liking him.

it isn't a i am blown away by you like. it is more of a quiet whisper. it is a curiosity. oh but sitting on his tiny couch with two dogs between us, how i wanted that kiss.

i could see he was fading, and that was my cue to leave. i began my retreat. i picked up my things, headed to the door, hugged him goodbye. then something came over me. pulling out of the hug i found my hand in his. i said out loud, "my apologies, i just have to do this." i went for it. i cupped his face in my hands and i kissed him-a little tongue, a little kiss. his hands moved to my waist. it was nice. it wasn't mind numbing. it wasn't earth shattering. it was nice. i pulled away and he wobbled on his feet. he literally almost fell over. i would like to think my kiss made his knees weak, but i am going with alcohol on this one.

"happy birthday," were my last words, and i was out the door. i don't even think i heard a reply.

back at home in my big bed with my own dog pressing against me for heat, stupidly smiling, i drifted off.

Thursday, December 17, 2009


it is finals week at school. today and tomorrow the school day is only 3 hours long. i have the next two weeks off. woohoo. after work today, i met up with nature boy and his wonder pup. we went bouldering up at groom creek. i had a blast scrambling around rocks. i am a novice when it comes to climbing. he, of course, is pretty good at it. he is nature boy after all. we met up with another one of his friends from prescott college, scooter. scoots brought his dog. my pup was running in a pack it was a pretty cool sight to see. she was so happy. i caught her frolicking once or twice. back to the date. he helped me with my climb. he was patient and a good teacher. he took time to explain to me where to put my feet and how to push. how nice he was. he commented to me that he was like his father, "swarthy and obnoxious." i laughed loud at that and noted it; i wanted to quote him accurately.

the scenery was amazing. of course i forgot my camera. there were many great pic opportunities. we were bouldering around for a couple hours when we began to lose light. heading back to the car, we talked the whole way. we chatted about whatever people learning about each other chat about. i wasn't planning on spending the rest of the evening with him, but i was having such a good time that i invited him over for pizza and wii.

he helped me make a pizza from scratch (my favorite kind) we had a blast and laughed and ate good food. he actually helped me clean up just a bit before we ate. we played wii and i so kicked his ass. it is my game after all. i would hope i would be better at it. he left and i gave him a hug. i held him close maybe just a moment longer than the last time. it felt nice. i let go and just as i did i felt him hold me a little more. i wasn't about to go back in, i had already begun the retreat. i felt a warmth, a spark i hadn't felt before. after he left, i found myself smiling and sitting among my plants thinking of him-in non naughty ways and maybe one or two saucy thoughts. what does all this mean? it is nice to feel a connection with someone, even if it is small. it is nice to feel something for someone, even if the exact feeling is unclear. i am looking forward to finding out where this leads. in the meantime, i have a date on sunday with environmental activist, another outdoor adventure. my favorite kind.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

drunk and damaged

i ran into a newer friend while i was out doing some grocery shopping. she told me she had someone she wanted to introduce to me. always the optimist, i was intrigued. she told me he is 34, tall, hispanic and works at the VA. Of course i agreed.

last night we planned to meet. my grocery girl set it up. i was under the impression it was going to be a foursome date. grocery girl and her girlfriend with the new guy and me. this was not the case. i walk into tailgaters in pv and there are TWO tables filled with people ready for monday night football. cardinals got spanked by the way.

i was offered a seat right next to this lanky hispanic. he was dressed well and was relatively handsome. he spoke very little, at first. soon he began to drink beer like there was $100 bills at the bottom of the glass. i guess this was because he was just really nervous. soon he became visibly and audibly drunk. he loosened up much and was talking an awful lot. at halftime i decided that it was time for me to go home. apparently so did his mom. yes, his mother was there. on a first blind date, i met his mother, his sister and his mother's boyfriend. i overheard grocery girl's girlfriend say to him that his mother didn't want him to drive because of his head injoury. what? head injury? did i hear that correctly. i wasn't about to ask at that moment. i thought leaving was the better move.

i said my goodbyes and i was out the door. however, i must ask, what must my friends think of me if they are willing to set me up with those who have brain damage. i guess i am the indiscriminate dater after all. I have to admit, i am so curious. was he kicked in the head by a horse? i have a friend who is a school psychologist. when she was in high school she was in a pretty serious accident and suffered some brain trauma. she is a little wild and as crazy as any i guess, but doesn't seem to have any aftershocks. Maybe head injury boy leads a normal life. maybe mom packs his lunch for him everyday. there is only one way to find out.


Sunday, December 13, 2009

another date with nature boy

I met up with nature boy at his place last week. he made me deep dish pizza and invited my doggie over too. i had a smashing time. i realized even more that his past parallels that of Ex. I began to wonder if it meant anything. i wondered if i was somehow being given a second chance at romance. here was a boy that resembles in so many ways a man that i loved so much. i am meeting this person at a time in my life where i am very different from the me i was when i met Ex. I wondered if this new friend is to remain a friend as i only saw him in the beginning or is he to turn into something more. i felt a physical attraction for him that wasn't there before. the entire sensation was interesting. my eyes welled while i was hanging out with him. it is all too surreal. he walked me outside and told me how much he enjoyed spending time with me. he leaned in heading toward a kiss. i stepped back, the fresh snow crunching under my shifting weight. i lowered my head and my eyes and began to fumble for the words to explain the predicament i am in. "i enjoy spending time with you, see i am still a little gun shy and...and...i really like spending time with you. i really like your company. we have a lot in common, but...but...i don't want to go into this with any expectations."

"i think that is a great way of looking at things. i can respect that," he said sweetly.

"i hope this doesn't mean that you are not going to call me now, because i have such fun with you and our dogs get along great," i said embarrassingly.

"not at all," said he.

i left his house with a smile on my face. i have to admit, the whole evening made me wonder if i only just want to be friends with him. i am curious to see how he responds to my sort of rejection of him.

first post in a while.

it has been forever since i posted anything. i have been in hiding. when things get overwhelming for me, i run and hide. i imagine that my problems will not follow me into the abyss, but they always do. i am crawling out of the dark to face the day and tell you all about life in my world since we last touched base.

first, there is a need to address my poetic flirter. sorry, kiddo. i debated on the issue of you in my head. i am barely willing to commit to anyone let alone a twice divorce with multiple kids living at home. not my style. you made life interesting though. thanks for the ride.

second are a couple of dates i went on recently. i am going to make a couple posts about them. i feel that they need their own space. check back real soon.

Thursday, December 3, 2009


this morning i spoke on the phone for the first time with a new dating site dude. i was turned off. the celibacy thing has turned my way of thinking. in the ten minutes we were on the phone at 6:30 am he made three sexual references. i didn't like that. I am certainly no prude, but it is appalling to me. i believe inky called it moral decay. if that wasn't the term, it was something similar. however it was said, the meaning is still the same. what ever happened to learning about someone first? where is the romance? I am disappointed in that experience. It doesn't leave me with much ambition to pursue him or allow him to pursue me.

Outta left field...

A few nights ago I was curious and i went on a midnight ex excavation. I uncovered on the www his and his new woman's website. i knew the domain name existed from a previous exhumation of the leftovers of a dead relationship. the website was a save the date / wedding announcement. i was numb. physically numb. there was tingling in my lips and extremities. i felt faint. i was in shock.

I flipped though the pages learning of the story of their love; he initiated it by the way. i always found her a bit more slutty because i believed whole heartedly that she made the first move. she didn't. i learned of the proposal a few months ago. i read how happy they are and how something i wasn't sure if i ever wanted again would never be again.

it hurt. the sting took me back months. i was devastated. the ache that rose from deep inside my bosom was almost too much to bear. i know that life is suffering, but how much? i wanted an end to my grief. i didn't want to hurt. it was all counterintuitive to the progress i had made over the past months. i explored dark places in my mind. luckily i had a strong martini and the buzz dulled it all just enough. (don't try that at home kids)

i called on some friends. the troops rallied. today is a bit easier to bear. hearts and hugs to t. money, inky, doc, ky, and toot.


Tuesday, December 1, 2009

You are cordially invited...

hello You. i imagine You check my blog many times throughout the day hoping to see that i have posted some new message to You. You are in luck tonight.

i have perused my sites trying to make some matches with what little i know about You. You out there. who are You? are You really some boy with a predilection for jumbling letters or is this cousin Jethro in CA playing yet another dirty trick? it doesn't matter, i will find out eventually, and i am sure we will both have some fun along the way.

i have thought about how i want to ask You for clues, and i have come to the conclusion that i don't want to ask for them. i want You to leave tiny breadcrumbs for me. Ooh, riddles would be fun. inch by inch i want to tread along the path that leads me to your identity. So quickly You figured out who I am out there, outside these blogging walls. Yet, You really don't know who I am yet. Let's drag this on a bit for the sake of the blog, for the sake of fun, for the sake of top secret information.

Répondez s'il Vous plaît,

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Celibacy update.

I think the celibacy thing is working for me. I was around Boston this weekend and I was pretty calm and collected. I wasn't my usual jumpy self. I looked him in the eye when we were talking. I actually felt like I was in control. Normally around him I am a bit nervous and stupid. It was a very interesting turn of events. I was able to ascertain that Boston is a tough cookie to crack and I am not about to try and rush cracking it. Things will happen as they do and that is how I am going to let them.

It has been difficult to maintain a celibate status though. My abstinence extends into I.D. private time too. Thursday, while getting ready to head down to the BHC I felt a little frisky an perhaps began to wash myself a little more sensually than usual. I took a step back and took a deep breath. It is difficult to be so chaste, but I am enjoying the payoff so far. It may sound cruel but avoiding sex and all things sex has been such a positive I feel it allows me to be more objective in a situation. AND it really does keep me so clear headed. It also makes me horny as all heck. It is like I am on a constant roll. I love the way everything feels, and smells and looks. I imagine someday when I finally do lay down with a man I may break both of us.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

almost spoiled a good day

Yesterday was my birthday. Happy B-day to me. I came home from a good day. I looked cute at work and got some compliments from a few work hotties. I got a good vibe from this guy I have been playing the game with. I flirted a bit with the car wash boy. I know he works at a car wash and is so young, but eh, I figured why not. I arrived home to freshen up and hopefully head out to a Japanese meal, but first, I needed to grab the mail.

I am thumbing through the junk, the bills, a birthday card from my grandmother, and I shuffle back one more item and WHAM! There it is. That familiar handwriting glaring back at me from the white envelope. There is no return address, only mine in that sloppy, strange left-handed writing that I know so well. Ex sent me a birthday card. The sensation was similar to when he told me he was in love with another woman, disbelief. Why in the Sam hill was he sending me a card.

I was horrified and strangely hopeful. What would it say on the inside? Would he send well wishes or apologize for hurting me so? Did the card smell of his familiar cologne? Would there be a mark where a single tear fell and smeared the ink? Inside the house I held the envelope in my hand and thought long on whether to even open it. I opened it. The card was the kind one might have on hand to use in a pinch. There was nothing special or beautiful about it. Curious, I unfolded it and in the same hand, simply stated, read, "Happy Birthday, [Ex]."

My heart sank. I wanted more. I wanted something. I didn't want a profession of love or guilt. I just wanted more. I became crazy and angry. Why would he send me a card? I hurt. I ache still because he left me. This card just brought up all those feelings-the lonely, the empty, the anger, the betrayal. I lost it. I began to wail and thrash. I pleaded for cessation of this suffering. I cried for an answer. I wanted to once again know why. Then as if a friend called and we talked it over (a friend did), the answer came to me. Ex didn't do it to be mean. He is not a mean person despite his stomping my heart to a pulpy puddle. I think he did it because he is an idiot. I think he did it because he thought it was a genuinely nice thing to do. The idea that getting a card from him might hurt me probably never crossed his mind. It doesn't surprise me really. He doesn't have what dey call da social skills. He was always kind of clueless and backwards when it came to interpersonal relationships. There is a chance that he may have also wanted to make himself feel just a little bit better, but chiefly it is the idiot thing.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

The Cat Is out of the Bag

Last night I went to the HOTW show in Flagstaff. I had two tall drinks of water to gawk at.

The first makes me bite a lip just a little. He is this younger boy that I like to admire from afar, like an impressionist painting. He is a friend of a friend. I don't really have a type. After all, I date indiscriminately; however, if I did, his is it-sort of. He is tall and lean, a little baby faced, seems intelligent from what I know, and has facial hair. I am really a sucker for the goatee, but a man in his Grizzly Adams makes me a little weak in the knees. Ex couldn't grow a full beard. I think that emasculates him just a bit. Anyway, dude is cute, but I don't really know much about him and didn't really make any effort to learn anything last night. My attention was elsewhere.

My other piece of eye candy I had a chance to admire a little closer up. I knew he was to be at the show. That was no surprise. I was sure to let him know I was going as well. I had heard through the cellphone grapevine that he was looking for me. I found this funny because I had a pretty good idea where he was most of the night. Stalking my prey with my eyes as he slipped through the crowd, I waited to make my "move," as if I even have any. I have to seek the advice of my friends and "how to" books just to get my foot in the door. Moreover, as I have proved from past experiences, I can and have thrown my foot down my throat.

We talked for a trice about life, blah and blah. Then he drops a bombshell on me, "So, [I.D.], I hear you have written about me in your blog."

My jaw hit the floor, but a sly smile swept my face, "I am not saying that I haven't."

He asked for a few details. I gave him less than that. I tried to play it off, I am sure not very convincingly. I was a little embarrassed, but I found this disclosure a little less horrifying than the last time someone found out. However, now the nagging question has become How did he find out?

I have some ideas. Regardless of the who, where and when, I understand that all of these thoughts of mine, no matter how I try to hide my identity or how I avoid the naming of the Datees directly, are public. I have shared this blog with others and invited many to flick through my pages. People can and will read, comment and discuss this as they wish. However, I must admit, it makes the drama much more interesting when it's all kept between us friends.

Thankfully, the conversation turned to another topic. Then, I may have seen a telling look in his eye. Perhaps, he lingered close to my ear a little too long as he told me a secret. Maybe he said nothing much at all of interest to me and snubbed me because of his disappointment in my behavior. However the evening turned out from there on is something kept between him and me. I possibly couldn't share much more than this knowing there is a spy in the house of love.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Surrogate Ex-Boyfriend Wii Date

How I ache. What a deep pain I feel. The loss of a love and the crashing end to that romance still bites so sharply at my mind. I cry a lot lately. I try to breathe so deep into it. I accept it truly as a moment of growth, but it makes the hurt no less. I abstain from seeking my ex out with google searches and the like, but he worms around in my mind still. Some nights I can't sleep for the dreams I have in which he plays a starring role. Maybe it is because it is another holiday season or that damn Jane Seymour selling her swan love necklace that makes me feel so down. Whatever, I may have hit a new low.

Last night I invited Nature Boy over to eat and hang out. We ate some grub, talked some, and played Wii some. I thought I spotted it on our first date, but I certainly noticed last night that in some ways Nature Boy reminds me of Ex. Physically, both have a shorter stocky build. Both guys like the outdoors and are intelligent. Neither Ex or Nature Boy or classically handsome; neither are conventionally handsome either. Both are vagabonds in their own right. Nature Boy is ten years younger; whereas, I only had 3.5 years on Ex. On the surface, they are almost the same person seemingly.

I think that hanging out with Nature Boy is like my Ex fix. I think that he is a way to spend time with Ex doing the things that we liked to do. Ex and I were always good at the friend stuff. I miss that the most-hanging out, having fun with someone with whom you like to spend time. I have no sexual feeling toward Nature Boy, I just enjoy his company. I have to admit, I am shamed a little by this. I feel that I am indulging in some sort of fantasy. I am sure that I will spend the whole hour talking to my therapist about this one on my next appointment. Well, that and my vow of celibacy.

Which, in case you were wondering, is going well. I have felt an urge here or there to indulge in some self satisfaction, but have been able to brush it off quite easily. However, I can say that my dreams, whether about Ex or not, have been becoming more and more delicious. Oh the freak show that goes on in that gray matter of mine at night :)

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Curly ...

Oh My! I almost forgot to tell you. So the other day I got a text message from Curly. Actually, let me back up for a moment. Please, if you need a reference, check out this post:

Curly is Crazy

The next day after that Curly sent me a message that sort of apologized. Citing as a reason for his behavior his pining for me and his disappointment in his unrequited love. I just got a message from him on November 5. It read:

Hello [I.D.]. I've been a JERK-FACE to a couple more than you lately and I was going down this here and just wanta day sorry to a few folks out there! thank reply necessary.

Great that he apologized; however, could it be any less personal or truly heartfelt? It almost seems like a form letter. I don't feel any warmer toward this person than I did weeks ago. I still think he is a loon.

November Playlist

I am a huge music lover. I thought that I might bring another layer into my blog and add some tuneage. please enjoy..

The Hiker

I had a hiking date this morning. I met The Hiker at 7:30 AM at the Heritage Park Zoo and our trek began there. We both brought our doggies and they got along so well with each other. The Hiker and I got along with each other just fine as well. He was so cute and brought a thermos of coffee. We stopped at the top of a rock scramble and enjoyed some joe. We got breakfast burritos when the hike was over and ate them on the square while we had some more conversation. Nonetheless, I see this as a friendship and nothing really more. He has many good qualities: intelligence, outdoor knowledge, humor, conversation. He is educated and becoming more so. He is a member of the forest fire squad. However, there are some negative qualities too. He definitely is a little dirty, there was definitely a noticeable musty smell. I know we are going hiking, but we haven't been camping. I feel clothes need to be washed. He is a little too sweet maybe. I am definitely not physically attracted to him. He is cute but in a little boy sort of way, not in a way that turns me on.

I definitely wouldn't mind hanging out with him again, mostly because I don't have many outdoor adventure friends. I just feel confident that he is in the amigo category.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Breaking the Dry Spell

I have been going through a bit of a dating dry spell. I have been talking to some gentlemen callers here and there, but I haven't been putting forth much effort into the whole thing. I have been a little blah. I am hoping that is going to change.

Tomorrow I have a date. I am going hiking with this young man. Yes, I call him young man; He is 25 years old. This makes him 10 years my junior. That is quite a bit I think. I don't know much about him yet. He is a Prescott College man and does a considerable amount of travel for his job.

I have turned down some other younger man that have pursued me. I do this mostly because younger men don't seem to have the , um, well the maturity that I am looking for. I don't expect to get serious right away, but honestly I do have a goal of meeting someone that I could see it going the distance. I don't know what it was about this younger suitor, but I went for it.

We are meeting tomorrow at 7:30 AM at the zoo. I hope we do the slick rock hike. it is over that way and so much fun.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

It takes all kinds.

As I have mentioned before, I belong to an online dating service, a few actually. It greatly increases my dating pool. However, by performing a vivisection of the lonely that troll the seamy underbelly of online matchmakers I learned that there are the desperate and the disgusting.

I introduce you to SelfMade. His name comes from his online alias. He is a 44 year old divorced bear that lives in Prescott. From his first email, I was entertained and horrified. I rode that pony for about four or five emails back and forth. I know I will not go on a date with him any time soon. Here is the transcript of that conversation and some thoughts of my own:

SM: If you want to mud wrestle with me...I'm in.

(This is the first email this man sent me. It seems to me a little dirty but kind of fun in a frat boy sort of way. I wanted to see where this went.)

ID: Name the day, time and place and I will be there with my mud wrestling shoes on.

SM: Shoes?? You don't need any shoes baby. Just a wicked smile and a rope.

(What exactly does he plan on doing with the rope. Am I going to wrestle down a rodeo calf?)

SM: Ok retard........ you need to tell me your sorry for the Steelers game againist the Vikings. You didn't earn the right to win the game so you can make it up to me in the very best way you know how....! [ID] pay attention when I'm texting......are you listening to me !! haha

(What? Did that just happen? Did a man I have never met before just call me retard? I take it back. It isn't frat humor. I am dealing with a Jr. High mentality. I am compelled to answer. I have to see just where this freak show is going.)

ID: I have to admit, I thought the game was over when the Vikings recovered at, like what, our ten yard line. Then the ball slipped right through the receivers fingers and into ours. I never saw a fat man run so fast. Well, actually didn't I see something similar in the last Super Bowl?

You are pretty bold and kind of funny. You don't know me, and you just throw it out there. Does that work for you a lot or is it kind of hit and miss?

(I am pretending that I know anything about football. Boys like that right?)

SM: I only like to go out with the smart ones. The dumb ones get offended.......... so are you game to go out or do people say that you're just alittle slow?

(This guy is a little full of himself. He thinks he is intelligent, and maybe he is. However, he thinks that makes him better than others. I don't feel much kind compassion emanating from this being.)

ID: Every fiber in my being tells me you are a megalomaniacal mess and a huge mistake. So, when do you want to take me out.

(I am trying my hand at humor here.)

SM: Ya........ I don't make things bigger than they are.........that's something we can discuss on Thursday bout 7 at windsock bar

ID: The windsock at 7? oo. I want to say yes, but that just isn't going to work for me. I am available Monday. Whaddaya say?

SM: Don't know........ we'll see

Is it me, or does anybody else read into this that he is a little disappointed that I won't do what he wants. I am not so sure I can call this one a winner. I can't definitely say I won't be calling this one period. He just puts me off with brand of humor. I love smart asses, but I just felt he condescends to me and I deserve better.