Monday, December 28, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
when we stumbled out of my rather crumpled bed, i made us a breakfast to ensure we were refueled from the monumental necking session. i made us a healthier three onion, mushroom and ham quiche. i am that cool that i just had all the ingredients for it at my house.
1 recipe Pie Crust, recipe follows
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
he helped me make a pizza from scratch (my favorite kind) we had a blast and laughed and ate good food. he actually helped me clean up just a bit before we ate. we played wii and i so kicked his ass. it is my game after all. i would hope i would be better at it. he left and i gave him a hug. i held him close maybe just a moment longer than the last time. it felt nice. i let go and just as i did i felt him hold me a little more. i wasn't about to go back in, i had already begun the retreat. i felt a warmth, a spark i hadn't felt before. after he left, i found myself smiling and sitting among my plants thinking of him-in non naughty ways and maybe one or two saucy thoughts. what does all this mean? it is nice to feel a connection with someone, even if it is small. it is nice to feel something for someone, even if the exact feeling is unclear. i am looking forward to finding out where this leads. in the meantime, i have a date on sunday with environmental activist, another outdoor adventure. my favorite kind.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
last night we planned to meet. my grocery girl set it up. i was under the impression it was going to be a foursome date. grocery girl and her girlfriend with the new guy and me. this was not the case. i walk into tailgaters in pv and there are TWO tables filled with people ready for monday night football. cardinals got spanked by the way.
i was offered a seat right next to this lanky hispanic. he was dressed well and was relatively handsome. he spoke very little, at first. soon he began to drink beer like there was $100 bills at the bottom of the glass. i guess this was because he was just really nervous. soon he became visibly and audibly drunk. he loosened up much and was talking an awful lot. at halftime i decided that it was time for me to go home. apparently so did his mom. yes, his mother was there. on a first blind date, i met his mother, his sister and his mother's boyfriend. i overheard grocery girl's girlfriend say to him that his mother didn't want him to drive because of his head injoury. what? head injury? did i hear that correctly. i wasn't about to ask at that moment. i thought leaving was the better move.
i said my goodbyes and i was out the door. however, i must ask, what must my friends think of me if they are willing to set me up with those who have brain damage. i guess i am the indiscriminate dater after all. I have to admit, i am so curious. was he kicked in the head by a horse? i have a friend who is a school psychologist. when she was in high school she was in a pretty serious accident and suffered some brain trauma. she is a little wild and as crazy as any i guess, but doesn't seem to have any aftershocks. Maybe head injury boy leads a normal life. maybe mom packs his lunch for him everyday. there is only one way to find out.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
"i think that is a great way of looking at things. i can respect that," he said sweetly.
"i hope this doesn't mean that you are not going to call me now, because i have such fun with you and our dogs get along great," i said embarrassingly.
"not at all," said he.
i left his house with a smile on my face. i have to admit, the whole evening made me wonder if i only just want to be friends with him. i am curious to see how he responds to my sort of rejection of him.
first, there is a need to address my poetic flirter. sorry, kiddo. i debated on the issue of you in my head. i am barely willing to commit to anyone let alone a twice divorce with multiple kids living at home. not my style. you made life interesting though. thanks for the ride.
second are a couple of dates i went on recently. i am going to make a couple posts about them. i feel that they need their own space. check back real soon.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
I flipped though the pages learning of the story of their love; he initiated it by the way. i always found her a bit more slutty because i believed whole heartedly that she made the first move. she didn't. i learned of the proposal a few months ago. i read how happy they are and how something i wasn't sure if i ever wanted again would never be again.
it hurt. the sting took me back months. i was devastated. the ache that rose from deep inside my bosom was almost too much to bear. i know that life is suffering, but how much? i wanted an end to my grief. i didn't want to hurt. it was all counterintuitive to the progress i had made over the past months. i explored dark places in my mind. luckily i had a strong martini and the buzz dulled it all just enough. (don't try that at home kids)
i called on some friends. the troops rallied. today is a bit easier to bear. hearts and hugs to t. money, inky, doc, ky, and toot.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
i have perused my sites trying to make some matches with what little i know about You. You out there. who are You? are You really some boy with a predilection for jumbling letters or is this cousin Jethro in CA playing yet another dirty trick? it doesn't matter, i will find out eventually, and i am sure we will both have some fun along the way.
i have thought about how i want to ask You for clues, and i have come to the conclusion that i don't want to ask for them. i want You to leave tiny breadcrumbs for me. Ooh, riddles would be fun. inch by inch i want to tread along the path that leads me to your identity. So quickly You figured out who I am out there, outside these blogging walls. Yet, You really don't know who I am yet. Let's drag this on a bit for the sake of the blog, for the sake of fun, for the sake of top secret information.
Répondez s'il Vous plaît,
Sunday, November 29, 2009
It has been difficult to maintain a celibate status though. My abstinence extends into I.D. private time too. Thursday, while getting ready to head down to the BHC I felt a little frisky an perhaps began to wash myself a little more sensually than usual. I took a step back and took a deep breath. It is difficult to be so chaste, but I am enjoying the payoff so far. It may sound cruel but avoiding sex and all things sex has been such a positive I feel it allows me to be more objective in a situation. AND it really does keep me so clear headed. It also makes me horny as all heck. It is like I am on a constant roll. I love the way everything feels, and smells and looks. I imagine someday when I finally do lay down with a man I may break both of us.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
I am thumbing through the junk, the bills, a birthday card from my grandmother, and I shuffle back one more item and WHAM! There it is. That familiar handwriting glaring back at me from the white envelope. There is no return address, only mine in that sloppy, strange left-handed writing that I know so well. Ex sent me a birthday card. The sensation was similar to when he told me he was in love with another woman, disbelief. Why in the Sam hill was he sending me a card.
I was horrified and strangely hopeful. What would it say on the inside? Would he send well wishes or apologize for hurting me so? Did the card smell of his familiar cologne? Would there be a mark where a single tear fell and smeared the ink? Inside the house I held the envelope in my hand and thought long on whether to even open it. I opened it. The card was the kind one might have on hand to use in a pinch. There was nothing special or beautiful about it. Curious, I unfolded it and in the same hand, simply stated, read, "Happy Birthday, [Ex]."
My heart sank. I wanted more. I wanted something. I didn't want a profession of love or guilt. I just wanted more. I became crazy and angry. Why would he send me a card? I hurt. I ache still because he left me. This card just brought up all those feelings-the lonely, the empty, the anger, the betrayal. I lost it. I began to wail and thrash. I pleaded for cessation of this suffering. I cried for an answer. I wanted to once again know why. Then as if a friend called and we talked it over (a friend did), the answer came to me. Ex didn't do it to be mean. He is not a mean person despite his stomping my heart to a pulpy puddle. I think he did it because he is an idiot. I think he did it because he thought it was a genuinely nice thing to do. The idea that getting a card from him might hurt me probably never crossed his mind. It doesn't surprise me really. He doesn't have what dey call da social skills. He was always kind of clueless and backwards when it came to interpersonal relationships. There is a chance that he may have also wanted to make himself feel just a little bit better, but chiefly it is the idiot thing.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
The first makes me bite a lip just a little. He is this younger boy that I like to admire from afar, like an impressionist painting. He is a friend of a friend. I don't really have a type. After all, I date indiscriminately; however, if I did, his is it-sort of. He is tall and lean, a little baby faced, seems intelligent from what I know, and has facial hair. I am really a sucker for the goatee, but a man in his Grizzly Adams makes me a little weak in the knees. Ex couldn't grow a full beard. I think that emasculates him just a bit. Anyway, dude is cute, but I don't really know much about him and didn't really make any effort to learn anything last night. My attention was elsewhere.
My other piece of eye candy I had a chance to admire a little closer up. I knew he was to be at the show. That was no surprise. I was sure to let him know I was going as well. I had heard through the cellphone grapevine that he was looking for me. I found this funny because I had a pretty good idea where he was most of the night. Stalking my prey with my eyes as he slipped through the crowd, I waited to make my "move," as if I even have any. I have to seek the advice of my friends and "how to" books just to get my foot in the door. Moreover, as I have proved from past experiences, I can and have thrown my foot down my throat.
We talked for a trice about life, blah and blah. Then he drops a bombshell on me, "So, [I.D.], I hear you have written about me in your blog."
My jaw hit the floor, but a sly smile swept my face, "I am not saying that I haven't."
He asked for a few details. I gave him less than that. I tried to play it off, I am sure not very convincingly. I was a little embarrassed, but I found this disclosure a little less horrifying than the last time someone found out. However, now the nagging question has become How did he find out?
Monday, November 16, 2009
How I ache. What a deep pain I feel. The loss of a love and the crashing end to that romance still bites so sharply at my mind. I cry a lot lately. I try to breathe so deep into it. I accept it truly as a moment of growth, but it makes the hurt no less. I abstain from seeking my ex out with google searches and the like, but he worms around in my mind still. Some nights I can't sleep for the dreams I have in which he plays a starring role. Maybe it is because it is another holiday season or that damn Jane Seymour selling her swan love necklace that makes me feel so down. Whatever, I may have hit a new low.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Curly is Crazy
The next day after that Curly sent me a message that sort of apologized. Citing as a reason for his behavior his pining for me and his disappointment in his unrequited love. I just got a message from him on November 5. It read:
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
You are pretty bold and kind of funny. You don't know me, and you just throw it out there. Does that work for you a lot or is it kind of hit and miss?
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
I am on a no sex embargo, and I mean sex in all of its forms. Since puberty, maybe a few years before, I have been interested in boys, and kissing and touching and whatever else. I have used sex to get attention, to make me feel better, because I thought I should. I always get into it too early into a relationship and often it is a base for many of my previous relationships. I think it is time to free myself a little. I need a little breathing room and a little time to learn a little more about a more naked me.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
you know i am here at home feeling pretty sick. i think i need an injection ;P
i am a poor pitiful thing right now. i have been quarantined to my house. no fun for [I.D.] who loves to socialize.
its fun to have fun but you've got to know how!
I know some good games we could play, I know some new tricks, A lot of good tricks. I will show them to you
can we put it on youtube?
i don't think we need to be all that public but our own video isn't out of the question.
i dunnoi...might end up on a vh1 special some day!
or at the very least an e. true hollywood story.
Inky Pink tells me I need to stop doing things that are going to make it more uncomfortable between us. She is right; I know she is. However, gosh, I just can't help myself. I don't see this guy as someone to date just more of a conquest that I must have.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
That being said, let's begin at the beginning. I arrive at the concert to meet Boston and I am about a half hour late. I was in bumper to bumper to get in. It was awful. I sneak in a flask of Captain Morgan's in my jeans and after two large diet cokes the flask is empty. Boston and I are laughing and having a good time. That is until my mouth gets in the way. You see, something that you must know about me is that sometimes I can be a bit too honest and open. Sometimes I say things and share tidbits that are just better left unsaid. Add alcohol and a mild pharmaceutical relaxer into the mix and my mouth becomes a spigot of inane spewings for which there is no shut off valve.
We have just sat through the Black Eyed Peas, opening for U2. The lights are up and everyone is talking, taking bathroom breaks and getting concessions. Boston and I are discussing my new tattoo that you can sort of see through the small tear in my jeans. I tell him that he will get to see it later. ONLY meaning that I know we are sharing a hotel room and I know when I put on my jammies and we are not in public I would love to show it off. He laughs and says, "I didn't think it was going to be that easy. I thought I was going to have to work for it."
I laugh and immediately think of the poll I put up yesterday. Inside my head somewhere I thought it was a good idea to share this information. So I chime, "It is funny you should say that. I actually put a poll up on this blog that I have going on whether we should have sex tonight." As it comes out of my mouth I truly think this is a harmless, kind of fun thing. It is flirty. The poll is playful. I expect his reaction to be something like oh yeah? And how did I do or So what is the verdict. However, in the specs of time that dragged on after those cursed words dripped from my lips, I see that his real reaction differs greatly from my imagined one.
Monday, October 19, 2009
A Long Lost Crush
Boston Stays Home...
Boston is a Tool
Let's face it. I am a woman. I have needs. However, at the same time I think that I need to punish this little twerp for his prior transgression. And yet on a whole other level, I have gone this long without any nookie, I have to wonder how long I can go. I am stuck between a cock and a hard place. I mean rather a rock and my O face. Er, wait that wasn't right either. I think you get it though.
Take a gander to the right. I have placed a nice little voting poll for you out there in blogger land. The fate of my body is in your twitchy typing fingers. Ooh. I feel dirty
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
We sit down to eat at a nice quiet corner table and I can tell this guy is a bit nervous. He has a nice, slender athletic build to him. he has warm brown eyes and a bit of a weathered face-not Kramer in the Marlboro Man episode, but some deeper laugh lines. Aging always looks better on men, those bastards. The more I look at him, the more I realize he looks like someone I have seen before. All of a sudden, it hits me. He looks like Mark Wahlberg and his hair looks like Mark's in Boogie Nights-total seventies porn.
Dinner arrives and I am so excited to dig into tuna fried steak. Upon the first bite, my mouth bursts into flames. It is here that I must explain that I have ulcers (gross, I know), and I CANNOT eat spicy foods. This lovely crusted tuna apparently comes with a jalapeño cream sauce. I immediately call the waitress over and order a glass of milk. I am going to get through this, after all, I have a salad and mashed potatoes to eat too. Though, the food gods have played a cruel joke on I.D. The potatoes have fresh jalapeños mixed in and the salad has a kicky chipoltle dressing. I am truly dying and expect that sometime later in the evening I will find myself in crippling pain on the cool linoleum floor on my bathroom.
My date apologizes profusely. I explain that there is no need to apologize. I totally ordered on his suggestion, yes, but I didn't think enough to look at the menu or even ask how it was prepared. It was truly my fault, but it wasn't the best start to a date. I suggest that we take off and try a different atmosphere.
From the Iron Springs Cafe, we went to the Raven. there is some cool jazz music playing and I buy us a couple of Deliriums. He wouldn't let me pay for dinner, so I thought it only fair. I am not one of those that expect my date pay for everything. I had a couple of drinks and we laughed and talked. After drink number two and a detailed conversation about his crane vs snake tattoo, I couldn't help but stare at that mop on his head. What was he thinking? I tousle his hair and make some offhand (possibly rude comment) about the lack of style. He then tells me that he just got his hair cut yesterday. I have to think to myself, this man chose to look like this. Wow! I sure know how to pick 'em.
Later, he takes me back to my car at the Iron Springs Cafe. Outside I get a hug amid the smell of rotting garbage eminating from the dumpsters. Thankfully the beers we had drowned the bad breath germs D.D. had swimming around in his mouth or I may have heaved on the asphalt. As I am rushing to unlock my car and get inside where the smell of "cat butt" air freshener far surpasses the olfactory travesties happening in the night air, he hollers out, "can I call you?" I agree and down the street I roll.
When I get home, I check my messages. I forgot my phone on the coffee table. There are several messages from my girl Inky Pink. I was supposed to meet her at the gym, but I got caught up in conversation. Her messages read:
How's your date?
Heading to the gym in a bit :)
Ok I'm nervous. Where r u? R u ok? I don't know the dude you are on a date with...
Too cute, right. I tell her that I am fine and that I did have fun but my date had stinky breath. She agrees that Halitosis is such a deal breaker.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009