Tuesday, September 1, 2009

A little background...

So this is the blog of the Indiscriminate Dater, but it might be time to tell you all how I got here. About six months ago, I came home from a weekend with friends. I made the silly mistake of getting a small but permanent tattoo of my boyfriends initials on me. I always said I would never do such a thing, but for me, and I thought for us, we were going to be together forever. Excited to show him I reveal the fresh ink when I get home. He begins to cry. Panicked, I ask him what is wrong. He replies, "You love me so much, yet you have no idea I want to leave you."

My jaw hit the floor. He begins to give me a string thoughts that have been going through his mind for nine months: I don't see you in my future, I have feelings for another woman (our employee mind you), you are too old to have children (34 remember), we are just too similar, I see you more as a friend than my girlfriend, I just don't love you anymore. I was stunned. This wasn't happening to me. I cried. I reasoned. I suggested therapy. And on the day he was packing his truck to leave, I humiliated myself and got on my knees and begged. Unmoved he walked out the door and out of my life.

I cannot begin to express the pain. I wouldn't know where to begin to explain how he hurt me. For nearly four years I loved this man. We made each other happy. I thought he was truly my soulmate. How lucky I thought I was. Here was someone that promised me a life together, that shared with me in my joys and aches. Here was a man that I gave everything to-my life, my love, my savings. Here was a man that gave up on us without so much as a sigh it seemed. He thought saw that the grass was greener on the other side. For six months I cried; I still cry. I sought therapy. I looked to friends to ease the ache.

He and his little blonde live together now. He doesn't think about me much I imagine. His life is vastly different. I still live in the same house that we found together. I sleep in the same bed, a king that seems really empty. I am trying to do something about filling that with a warm body. I have the same job and a very similar routine.

I find it hard not to hate him. I am not sure if I have a right to. He told me in an email after he left that he regretted being just another person in my life that hurt me, but in the end, he said, "I chose myself." This really shouldn't surprise me. He always chose himself. I always gave, but I gave with love and selflessly because that is what I wanted-I thought.

Well, no more. Sisters are doing it for themselves and I am following suit. I am out for myself now and I am out for blood. Yes, I am looking for love and companionship and friendship and someone who doesn't run from a commitment because some young blonde who he pays is willing to touch his winkie. However, I am looking with open and critical eyes. Gentlemen callers beware. The Indiscriminate Dater is on the prowl.

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