Thursday, October 8, 2009

Dirk Diggler

I went on a date tonight with a guy I met through a new dating service. we planned to meet at a little hole in the wall with reputable good food. He raved about their tuna fried steak. I thought that it sounded a bit bizarre, but what the heck. I arrive and he is waiting outside to greet me. A nice hug and a clean smile and I am already thinking, "not too bad"

We sit down to eat at a nice quiet corner table and I can tell this guy is a bit nervous. He has a nice, slender athletic build to him. he has warm brown eyes and a bit of a weathered face-not Kramer in the Marlboro Man episode, but some deeper laugh lines. Aging always looks better on men, those bastards. The more I look at him, the more I realize he looks like someone I have seen before. All of a sudden, it hits me. He looks like Mark Wahlberg and his hair looks like Mark's in Boogie Nights-total seventies porn.

Dinner arrives and I am so excited to dig into tuna fried steak. Upon the first bite, my mouth bursts into flames. It is here that I must explain that I have ulcers (gross, I know), and I CANNOT eat spicy foods. This lovely crusted tuna apparently comes with a jalapeƱo cream sauce. I immediately call the waitress over and order a glass of milk. I am going to get through this, after all, I have a salad and mashed potatoes to eat too. Though, the food gods have played a cruel joke on I.D. The potatoes have fresh jalapeƱos mixed in and the salad has a kicky chipoltle dressing. I am truly dying and expect that sometime later in the evening I will find myself in crippling pain on the cool linoleum floor on my bathroom.

My date apologizes profusely. I explain that there is no need to apologize. I totally ordered on his suggestion, yes, but I didn't think enough to look at the menu or even ask how it was prepared. It was truly my fault, but it wasn't the best start to a date. I suggest that we take off and try a different atmosphere.

From the Iron Springs Cafe, we went to the Raven. there is some cool jazz music playing and I buy us a couple of Deliriums. He wouldn't let me pay for dinner, so I thought it only fair. I am not one of those that expect my date pay for everything. I had a couple of drinks and we laughed and talked. After drink number two and a detailed conversation about his crane vs snake tattoo, I couldn't help but stare at that mop on his head. What was he thinking? I tousle his hair and make some offhand (possibly rude comment) about the lack of style. He then tells me that he just got his hair cut yesterday. I have to think to myself, this man chose to look like this. Wow! I sure know how to pick 'em.

As I am talking to him, I keep sniffing the air. At first, I am not sure if my senses are off or if it is true. After about three whiffs, my suspicions are confirmed. My date has halitosis. If you out there know anything about me, you know bad breath is such a deal breaker; however, I am not above telling someone they need to floss. But maybe I will wait until the second date, if there ever is one.

Later, he takes me back to my car at the Iron Springs Cafe. Outside I get a hug amid the smell of rotting garbage eminating from the dumpsters. Thankfully the beers we had drowned the bad breath germs D.D. had swimming around in his mouth or I may have heaved on the asphalt. As I am rushing to unlock my car and get inside where the smell of "cat butt" air freshener far surpasses the olfactory travesties happening in the night air, he hollers out, "can I call you?" I agree and down the street I roll.

When I get home, I check my messages. I forgot my phone on the coffee table. There are several messages from my girl Inky Pink. I was supposed to meet her at the gym, but I got caught up in conversation. Her messages read:

How's your date?

Heading to the gym in a bit :)

Ok I'm nervous. Where r u? R u ok? I don't know the dude you are on a date with...

Too cute, right. I tell her that I am fine and that I did have fun but my date had stinky breath. She agrees that Halitosis is such a deal breaker.


  1. ok...but the guy had jalapeno sauces all over his food. he couldn't help but have bad breath!

  2. no no it was i don't floss bad breath. i can definitely tell that.