Thursday, October 29, 2009

swimming in my head.

I have been obsessing about The Ex lately. I have been googling his name, checking out some of his domains, even thinking about him in my fantasies. It is odd how it seems that so much time can go by and I don't think about him once, and then something happens-an email, a photograph, a memory-and I am off in his world. It seems to be a cycle for me but one that seems to have a longer rotation each time around. I look to my friends for help and support. Sometimes I turn to my family.

I let him go more and more all the time, but i occasionally allow him to dig in his nails and teeth into my reason. I called Inky last night when I was having a particularly rough moment after looking at his domain registry and seeing that he finally deleted the website that was our names and purchased on with his and the Blonde's. Inky said to me so honestly:

You are the one making yourself feel bad. You need to stop doing this to yourself.

It is obvious he is over you. You need to get over him.

How pathetic of him to own that site after only knowing her for a short time.

This last one stung because in my mind he actions mean that he has found his soulmate. He bought that domain because he has that connection with her; he feels there might be something lasting there, at least as long as a year's domain name registration. I thought he was my soulmate. Sometimes I still try to make sense of what happened to us. A lot of the time I come up with it was meant to be. Sometimes I come up wondering what it was I did to drive him away. I try not to care. I try not to judge it all I just try to accept that it all happened and this is my life now. It is just that sometimes i fell that my life now is just too lonely to bear. Ah well. This too shall pass.

[additional thought]

My relationship with him, it wasn't always good. It seemed good a lot, but it wasn't always. I reflect on who and how I was with him and I realize I let go of much of who I am. I lost me somewhere along the way, and it truly became about him. I do feel that contributed to an end. It, in a way, wasn't honest. A relationship that is dishonest has a fungal rot that eventually eats away at the core until nothing is left but molded splinters. Yet, the decay restocks the earth and something is born. I learned something about myself. I feel now I know a little more about what I want in a relationship and what I want to get out of one. I have come out different than who I was when in I went. The experience has changed me forever.

I don't feel that I am ready yet for any type of serious commitment. I still have much more to learn and love about me. While on my journey, however, I don't mind dipping my toe in the pool. I may even occasionally bellyflop. It is a bit easier to breathe now. I am going to be just fine.

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