Sunday, November 29, 2009

Celibacy update.

I think the celibacy thing is working for me. I was around Boston this weekend and I was pretty calm and collected. I wasn't my usual jumpy self. I looked him in the eye when we were talking. I actually felt like I was in control. Normally around him I am a bit nervous and stupid. It was a very interesting turn of events. I was able to ascertain that Boston is a tough cookie to crack and I am not about to try and rush cracking it. Things will happen as they do and that is how I am going to let them.

It has been difficult to maintain a celibate status though. My abstinence extends into I.D. private time too. Thursday, while getting ready to head down to the BHC I felt a little frisky an perhaps began to wash myself a little more sensually than usual. I took a step back and took a deep breath. It is difficult to be so chaste, but I am enjoying the payoff so far. It may sound cruel but avoiding sex and all things sex has been such a positive I feel it allows me to be more objective in a situation. AND it really does keep me so clear headed. It also makes me horny as all heck. It is like I am on a constant roll. I love the way everything feels, and smells and looks. I imagine someday when I finally do lay down with a man I may break both of us.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

almost spoiled a good day

Yesterday was my birthday. Happy B-day to me. I came home from a good day. I looked cute at work and got some compliments from a few work hotties. I got a good vibe from this guy I have been playing the game with. I flirted a bit with the car wash boy. I know he works at a car wash and is so young, but eh, I figured why not. I arrived home to freshen up and hopefully head out to a Japanese meal, but first, I needed to grab the mail.

I am thumbing through the junk, the bills, a birthday card from my grandmother, and I shuffle back one more item and WHAM! There it is. That familiar handwriting glaring back at me from the white envelope. There is no return address, only mine in that sloppy, strange left-handed writing that I know so well. Ex sent me a birthday card. The sensation was similar to when he told me he was in love with another woman, disbelief. Why in the Sam hill was he sending me a card.

I was horrified and strangely hopeful. What would it say on the inside? Would he send well wishes or apologize for hurting me so? Did the card smell of his familiar cologne? Would there be a mark where a single tear fell and smeared the ink? Inside the house I held the envelope in my hand and thought long on whether to even open it. I opened it. The card was the kind one might have on hand to use in a pinch. There was nothing special or beautiful about it. Curious, I unfolded it and in the same hand, simply stated, read, "Happy Birthday, [Ex]."

My heart sank. I wanted more. I wanted something. I didn't want a profession of love or guilt. I just wanted more. I became crazy and angry. Why would he send me a card? I hurt. I ache still because he left me. This card just brought up all those feelings-the lonely, the empty, the anger, the betrayal. I lost it. I began to wail and thrash. I pleaded for cessation of this suffering. I cried for an answer. I wanted to once again know why. Then as if a friend called and we talked it over (a friend did), the answer came to me. Ex didn't do it to be mean. He is not a mean person despite his stomping my heart to a pulpy puddle. I think he did it because he is an idiot. I think he did it because he thought it was a genuinely nice thing to do. The idea that getting a card from him might hurt me probably never crossed his mind. It doesn't surprise me really. He doesn't have what dey call da social skills. He was always kind of clueless and backwards when it came to interpersonal relationships. There is a chance that he may have also wanted to make himself feel just a little bit better, but chiefly it is the idiot thing.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

The Cat Is out of the Bag

Last night I went to the HOTW show in Flagstaff. I had two tall drinks of water to gawk at.

The first makes me bite a lip just a little. He is this younger boy that I like to admire from afar, like an impressionist painting. He is a friend of a friend. I don't really have a type. After all, I date indiscriminately; however, if I did, his is it-sort of. He is tall and lean, a little baby faced, seems intelligent from what I know, and has facial hair. I am really a sucker for the goatee, but a man in his Grizzly Adams makes me a little weak in the knees. Ex couldn't grow a full beard. I think that emasculates him just a bit. Anyway, dude is cute, but I don't really know much about him and didn't really make any effort to learn anything last night. My attention was elsewhere.

My other piece of eye candy I had a chance to admire a little closer up. I knew he was to be at the show. That was no surprise. I was sure to let him know I was going as well. I had heard through the cellphone grapevine that he was looking for me. I found this funny because I had a pretty good idea where he was most of the night. Stalking my prey with my eyes as he slipped through the crowd, I waited to make my "move," as if I even have any. I have to seek the advice of my friends and "how to" books just to get my foot in the door. Moreover, as I have proved from past experiences, I can and have thrown my foot down my throat.

We talked for a trice about life, blah and blah. Then he drops a bombshell on me, "So, [I.D.], I hear you have written about me in your blog."

My jaw hit the floor, but a sly smile swept my face, "I am not saying that I haven't."

He asked for a few details. I gave him less than that. I tried to play it off, I am sure not very convincingly. I was a little embarrassed, but I found this disclosure a little less horrifying than the last time someone found out. However, now the nagging question has become How did he find out?

I have some ideas. Regardless of the who, where and when, I understand that all of these thoughts of mine, no matter how I try to hide my identity or how I avoid the naming of the Datees directly, are public. I have shared this blog with others and invited many to flick through my pages. People can and will read, comment and discuss this as they wish. However, I must admit, it makes the drama much more interesting when it's all kept between us friends.

Thankfully, the conversation turned to another topic. Then, I may have seen a telling look in his eye. Perhaps, he lingered close to my ear a little too long as he told me a secret. Maybe he said nothing much at all of interest to me and snubbed me because of his disappointment in my behavior. However the evening turned out from there on is something kept between him and me. I possibly couldn't share much more than this knowing there is a spy in the house of love.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Surrogate Ex-Boyfriend Wii Date

How I ache. What a deep pain I feel. The loss of a love and the crashing end to that romance still bites so sharply at my mind. I cry a lot lately. I try to breathe so deep into it. I accept it truly as a moment of growth, but it makes the hurt no less. I abstain from seeking my ex out with google searches and the like, but he worms around in my mind still. Some nights I can't sleep for the dreams I have in which he plays a starring role. Maybe it is because it is another holiday season or that damn Jane Seymour selling her swan love necklace that makes me feel so down. Whatever, I may have hit a new low.

Last night I invited Nature Boy over to eat and hang out. We ate some grub, talked some, and played Wii some. I thought I spotted it on our first date, but I certainly noticed last night that in some ways Nature Boy reminds me of Ex. Physically, both have a shorter stocky build. Both guys like the outdoors and are intelligent. Neither Ex or Nature Boy or classically handsome; neither are conventionally handsome either. Both are vagabonds in their own right. Nature Boy is ten years younger; whereas, I only had 3.5 years on Ex. On the surface, they are almost the same person seemingly.

I think that hanging out with Nature Boy is like my Ex fix. I think that he is a way to spend time with Ex doing the things that we liked to do. Ex and I were always good at the friend stuff. I miss that the most-hanging out, having fun with someone with whom you like to spend time. I have no sexual feeling toward Nature Boy, I just enjoy his company. I have to admit, I am shamed a little by this. I feel that I am indulging in some sort of fantasy. I am sure that I will spend the whole hour talking to my therapist about this one on my next appointment. Well, that and my vow of celibacy.

Which, in case you were wondering, is going well. I have felt an urge here or there to indulge in some self satisfaction, but have been able to brush it off quite easily. However, I can say that my dreams, whether about Ex or not, have been becoming more and more delicious. Oh the freak show that goes on in that gray matter of mine at night :)

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Curly ...

Oh My! I almost forgot to tell you. So the other day I got a text message from Curly. Actually, let me back up for a moment. Please, if you need a reference, check out this post:

Curly is Crazy

The next day after that Curly sent me a message that sort of apologized. Citing as a reason for his behavior his pining for me and his disappointment in his unrequited love. I just got a message from him on November 5. It read:

Hello [I.D.]. I've been a JERK-FACE to a couple more than you lately and I was going down this here and just wanta day sorry to a few folks out there! thank reply necessary.

Great that he apologized; however, could it be any less personal or truly heartfelt? It almost seems like a form letter. I don't feel any warmer toward this person than I did weeks ago. I still think he is a loon.

November Playlist

I am a huge music lover. I thought that I might bring another layer into my blog and add some tuneage. please enjoy..

The Hiker

I had a hiking date this morning. I met The Hiker at 7:30 AM at the Heritage Park Zoo and our trek began there. We both brought our doggies and they got along so well with each other. The Hiker and I got along with each other just fine as well. He was so cute and brought a thermos of coffee. We stopped at the top of a rock scramble and enjoyed some joe. We got breakfast burritos when the hike was over and ate them on the square while we had some more conversation. Nonetheless, I see this as a friendship and nothing really more. He has many good qualities: intelligence, outdoor knowledge, humor, conversation. He is educated and becoming more so. He is a member of the forest fire squad. However, there are some negative qualities too. He definitely is a little dirty, there was definitely a noticeable musty smell. I know we are going hiking, but we haven't been camping. I feel clothes need to be washed. He is a little too sweet maybe. I am definitely not physically attracted to him. He is cute but in a little boy sort of way, not in a way that turns me on.

I definitely wouldn't mind hanging out with him again, mostly because I don't have many outdoor adventure friends. I just feel confident that he is in the amigo category.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Breaking the Dry Spell

I have been going through a bit of a dating dry spell. I have been talking to some gentlemen callers here and there, but I haven't been putting forth much effort into the whole thing. I have been a little blah. I am hoping that is going to change.

Tomorrow I have a date. I am going hiking with this young man. Yes, I call him young man; He is 25 years old. This makes him 10 years my junior. That is quite a bit I think. I don't know much about him yet. He is a Prescott College man and does a considerable amount of travel for his job.

I have turned down some other younger man that have pursued me. I do this mostly because younger men don't seem to have the , um, well the maturity that I am looking for. I don't expect to get serious right away, but honestly I do have a goal of meeting someone that I could see it going the distance. I don't know what it was about this younger suitor, but I went for it.

We are meeting tomorrow at 7:30 AM at the zoo. I hope we do the slick rock hike. it is over that way and so much fun.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

It takes all kinds.

As I have mentioned before, I belong to an online dating service, a few actually. It greatly increases my dating pool. However, by performing a vivisection of the lonely that troll the seamy underbelly of online matchmakers I learned that there are the desperate and the disgusting.

I introduce you to SelfMade. His name comes from his online alias. He is a 44 year old divorced bear that lives in Prescott. From his first email, I was entertained and horrified. I rode that pony for about four or five emails back and forth. I know I will not go on a date with him any time soon. Here is the transcript of that conversation and some thoughts of my own:

SM: If you want to mud wrestle with me...I'm in.

(This is the first email this man sent me. It seems to me a little dirty but kind of fun in a frat boy sort of way. I wanted to see where this went.)

ID: Name the day, time and place and I will be there with my mud wrestling shoes on.

SM: Shoes?? You don't need any shoes baby. Just a wicked smile and a rope.

(What exactly does he plan on doing with the rope. Am I going to wrestle down a rodeo calf?)

SM: Ok retard........ you need to tell me your sorry for the Steelers game againist the Vikings. You didn't earn the right to win the game so you can make it up to me in the very best way you know how....! [ID] pay attention when I'm texting......are you listening to me !! haha

(What? Did that just happen? Did a man I have never met before just call me retard? I take it back. It isn't frat humor. I am dealing with a Jr. High mentality. I am compelled to answer. I have to see just where this freak show is going.)

ID: I have to admit, I thought the game was over when the Vikings recovered at, like what, our ten yard line. Then the ball slipped right through the receivers fingers and into ours. I never saw a fat man run so fast. Well, actually didn't I see something similar in the last Super Bowl?

You are pretty bold and kind of funny. You don't know me, and you just throw it out there. Does that work for you a lot or is it kind of hit and miss?

(I am pretending that I know anything about football. Boys like that right?)

SM: I only like to go out with the smart ones. The dumb ones get offended.......... so are you game to go out or do people say that you're just alittle slow?

(This guy is a little full of himself. He thinks he is intelligent, and maybe he is. However, he thinks that makes him better than others. I don't feel much kind compassion emanating from this being.)

ID: Every fiber in my being tells me you are a megalomaniacal mess and a huge mistake. So, when do you want to take me out.

(I am trying my hand at humor here.)

SM: Ya........ I don't make things bigger than they are.........that's something we can discuss on Thursday bout 7 at windsock bar

ID: The windsock at 7? oo. I want to say yes, but that just isn't going to work for me. I am available Monday. Whaddaya say?

SM: Don't know........ we'll see

Is it me, or does anybody else read into this that he is a little disappointed that I won't do what he wants. I am not so sure I can call this one a winner. I can't definitely say I won't be calling this one period. He just puts me off with brand of humor. I love smart asses, but I just felt he condescends to me and I deserve better.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Frankie Says Relax...

There is something I have been thinking about for about a week now. I tried to kick the idea around with my therapist, but we were so out of time. So I will kick the idea around with you.

I am on a no sex embargo, and I mean sex in all of its forms. Since puberty, maybe a few years before, I have been interested in boys, and kissing and touching and whatever else. I have used sex to get attention, to make me feel better, because I thought I should. I always get into it too early into a relationship and often it is a base for many of my previous relationships. I think it is time to free myself a little. I need a little breathing room and a little time to learn a little more about a more naked me.

I am giving up on talking about sex, doing it, over the clothes stuff, masturbation, all of it. I think it is going to be interesting. I can't be sure exactly how this experiment is going to go off. I think it may be almost like a spiritual experience for me. It may only last a week before I bust out "The Machine". I have packed up all my toys as a sort of symbolic gesture. I have no idea what is going to happen. My hope is that I will grow somehow from this. I think it may be a bit spiritual. We will see.

Keeping you posted,

Monday, November 2, 2009

Chatting it up...

I have been becoming reacquainted with some old flames and crushes on FB. It is interesting how a word from a practical stranger can send you. I still get the jitters when I speak with that beau from college. The one that was the heavyweight on the wrestling team and I embarrassed myself with my lovemaking vocals (totally fake. I can admit that now). Then there is that boy I used to chase around the room in 4th grade. In High School when hormones are raging full force, he was the popular nerd, and oh so strangely handsome to me. How I yearned for his Vulcan grip. ;)

Sometimes it isn't even an instant message conversation. Sometimes my longing is read from beyond minutes and across miles in a quick photo comment from one of Them. Like, the musician who would sing his sweet songs and read his poetry. One day he had to send me away, but he brought me back again. A little tickle of a note here or a comment there and I am back five years ago and seven years before that to when I was a waitress in my mothers coffee shop. Almost every weekend and every night in the summer time, a young group of boys would come into the shop. The Musician was among them.

I was 23 and he was 18 and I wanted every inch of him. He wrote me poems on place mats and mused how the creamer made shapes in his coffee. He was in a band, and dark, and intelligent, and I wanted to corrupt him. Nothing ever happened, then. The shop closed down and I never really saw him. Seven years later I am set up on a date. Guess who? I was floored, but I was going to be so cool. In the beginning, I was. I played it aloof and he took the bait. However, this fishergirl soon became chum for the sharks.

I never really felt comfortable around the guy. Oh he was kind enough alright and we had a good time, but I was so intimidated by him. I had problems even looking him in the eye. He was SO smart and I felt that I couldn't measure up. Soon, the relationship fizzled and I moved out here. We friended each other on MySpace for awhile until he took down his page, and here I found him on FB recently. I will admit I made the initial contact, but my discovery seemed to come to his delight as well.

He is married, with children, as with all my FB crushes. It is safe to say that I will never be making the 2,000 mile journey to rendezvous in a laundry mat with any of these boys. It is also safe to say that I feel safe being a little flirtatious with these unavailable men. I know it could never go anywhere. Maybe that just makes me want them all the more.