Thursday, November 5, 2009

It takes all kinds.

As I have mentioned before, I belong to an online dating service, a few actually. It greatly increases my dating pool. However, by performing a vivisection of the lonely that troll the seamy underbelly of online matchmakers I learned that there are the desperate and the disgusting.

I introduce you to SelfMade. His name comes from his online alias. He is a 44 year old divorced bear that lives in Prescott. From his first email, I was entertained and horrified. I rode that pony for about four or five emails back and forth. I know I will not go on a date with him any time soon. Here is the transcript of that conversation and some thoughts of my own:

SM: If you want to mud wrestle with me...I'm in.

(This is the first email this man sent me. It seems to me a little dirty but kind of fun in a frat boy sort of way. I wanted to see where this went.)

ID: Name the day, time and place and I will be there with my mud wrestling shoes on.

SM: Shoes?? You don't need any shoes baby. Just a wicked smile and a rope.

(What exactly does he plan on doing with the rope. Am I going to wrestle down a rodeo calf?)

SM: Ok retard........ you need to tell me your sorry for the Steelers game againist the Vikings. You didn't earn the right to win the game so you can make it up to me in the very best way you know how....! [ID] pay attention when I'm texting......are you listening to me !! haha

(What? Did that just happen? Did a man I have never met before just call me retard? I take it back. It isn't frat humor. I am dealing with a Jr. High mentality. I am compelled to answer. I have to see just where this freak show is going.)

ID: I have to admit, I thought the game was over when the Vikings recovered at, like what, our ten yard line. Then the ball slipped right through the receivers fingers and into ours. I never saw a fat man run so fast. Well, actually didn't I see something similar in the last Super Bowl?

You are pretty bold and kind of funny. You don't know me, and you just throw it out there. Does that work for you a lot or is it kind of hit and miss?

(I am pretending that I know anything about football. Boys like that right?)

SM: I only like to go out with the smart ones. The dumb ones get offended.......... so are you game to go out or do people say that you're just alittle slow?

(This guy is a little full of himself. He thinks he is intelligent, and maybe he is. However, he thinks that makes him better than others. I don't feel much kind compassion emanating from this being.)

ID: Every fiber in my being tells me you are a megalomaniacal mess and a huge mistake. So, when do you want to take me out.

(I am trying my hand at humor here.)

SM: Ya........ I don't make things bigger than they are.........that's something we can discuss on Thursday bout 7 at windsock bar

ID: The windsock at 7? oo. I want to say yes, but that just isn't going to work for me. I am available Monday. Whaddaya say?

SM: Don't know........ we'll see

Is it me, or does anybody else read into this that he is a little disappointed that I won't do what he wants. I am not so sure I can call this one a winner. I can't definitely say I won't be calling this one period. He just puts me off with brand of humor. I love smart asses, but I just felt he condescends to me and I deserve better.

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