How I ache. What a deep pain I feel. The loss of a love and the crashing end to that romance still bites so sharply at my mind. I cry a lot lately. I try to breathe so deep into it. I accept it truly as a moment of growth, but it makes the hurt no less. I abstain from seeking my ex out with google searches and the like, but he worms around in my mind still. Some nights I can't sleep for the dreams I have in which he plays a starring role. Maybe it is because it is another holiday season or that damn Jane Seymour selling her swan love necklace that makes me feel so down. Whatever, I may have hit a new low.
Last night I invited Nature Boy over to eat and hang out. We ate some grub, talked some, and played Wii some. I thought I spotted it on our first date, but I certainly noticed last night that in some ways Nature Boy reminds me of Ex. Physically, both have a shorter stocky build. Both guys like the outdoors and are intelligent. Neither Ex or Nature Boy or classically handsome; neither are conventionally handsome either. Both are vagabonds in their own right. Nature Boy is ten years younger; whereas, I only had 3.5 years on Ex. On the surface, they are almost the same person seemingly.
I think that hanging out with Nature Boy is like my Ex fix. I think that he is a way to spend time with Ex doing the things that we liked to do. Ex and I were always good at the friend stuff. I miss that the most-hanging out, having fun with someone with whom you like to spend time. I have no sexual feeling toward Nature Boy, I just enjoy his company. I have to admit, I am shamed a little by this. I feel that I am indulging in some sort of fantasy. I am sure that I will spend the whole hour talking to my therapist about this one on my next appointment. Well, that and my vow of celibacy.
Which, in case you were wondering, is going well. I have felt an urge here or there to indulge in some self satisfaction, but have been able to brush it off quite easily. However, I can say that my dreams, whether about Ex or not, have been becoming more and more delicious. Oh the freak show that goes on in that gray matter of mine at night :)