Monday, December 28, 2009

keeping him at arm's length

last night nature boy came over to hang out. we played wii, ate homemade thin crust za, smoked hand-rolled cigarettes, and listened to music. as the evening wore on and we became a little heavy eyed, he snuggled up next to me in the overstuffed chair. he is always quite the snuggle bug. he cuddles A LOT. he also makes little noises of satisfaction. this i find a little annoying. actually there is something i noted last night. when we make out, the feeling of his kisses and his touch are appealing. it is the sight and sound senses of him that i don't find attractive. oh his voice is fine, it is just those noises. and he has these extraordinarily dark circles not just under his eyes, but around them. it is a bit disturbing to me. i must find something to help him with that. (you must think i am simply terrible.)

furthermore, he is a big complimenter. he tells me sweet things. this i don't mind so much. flattery will get you nowhere with me, but i sure like to hear it. he tells me i am pretty and that i have a strong body. my favorite is when he calls me "banging hot." however, it makes me worry about how he feels for me. i told him in the beginning i wanted no expectations. i just like hanging out with him. we have many similar interests. he is intelligent and we have some good conversations. he is a pretty rad cat in many ways, but i don't really feel that "thing" for him.

as he lay in my arms nearly squeezing the life out of me, he murmurs from the warmth and comfort of my bosom, "you're so pretty, [i.d.]."

considering these words, i say in return, "don't like me too much. i'll break your heart."

Thursday, December 24, 2009

second time is the charm.

so last night i hit up nature boy for a booty call. i figure now that i am not restrained by the chains of refrain i should go hog wild. i know that the first time left some to be desired, but the pull of desire for flesh allowed me to see my way past all that. the second time was much better. i can't say earth shattering, but definitely a lot of fun. i laughed a lot and had a blast. but i have learned something about this boy that i simply must share.

there is something about the intimacy of pillow talk that allows people to open up. nature boy decided to share his "penis" story with me. this is great. ok, so it must be said that he is sort of a marathon lover. i can't take it really. it has been too long for me. i need to work up to his level of stamina. i just attributed it to him being young. after last night, i know otherwise.

when he was about 21 he sought treatment for bouts of depression and anxiety. he was put on medication. the medication caused him to have a "raging boner" (his words) that lasted for most of the time he was awake and even asleep for DAYS on end. he tried to relieve the condition through masturbation and marathon sex sessions, but to no avail it would not go away. on day FOUR he made an appointment with his doctor. his doctor was pissed. he told him that one should seek medical attention if the erection lasts more than four hours. "you probably suffered some nerve damage," the doctor explained. he did. his phallus is slightly desensitized. this fact makes me a little sad. everyone should feel sex at its fullest potential. however, on a more upside, i to satisfy. perhaps a partner that can go the distance just may be able to help me find my stride.

heres to the throws of passion that have crept back into my bed. i knew i wouldn't hold out long.

practicing safe sex,

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

so does this mean my streak is over?

today is day two of a very long "date" nature boy and i got together last night. i helped him organize his new rental a little. we stopped off a joe's to pay a tab i made a few nights ago, and then we headed to my house. we drank a few wheat beers, played some wii, and were just chilling on the couch. a long silence fell over us. i broke it with, "if you wanted to make out a little now would be a good time."

a smile snuck across his lips and he moved in. a kiss turned into a touch into a grasp and then into an epic make out session. he was a perfect gentleman. he never tried to go anywhere that i didn't lead. neither of us took off any undergarments or pants. we just felt each other for hours and it felt incredible. we moved well together, like familiar dance partners. when i had no more left, he had plenty more to give, but i needed rest. we slept beside each other and woke up to another mtv the grind. i wanted desperately to get completely naked and feel all of this young man. i wanted what i hoped would be a spectacular event. but i couldn't. he never even asked me.

when we stumbled out of my rather crumpled bed, i made us a breakfast to ensure we were refueled from the monumental necking session. i made us a healthier three onion, mushroom and ham quiche. i am that cool that i just had all the ingredients for it at my house.

1 recipe Pie Crust, recipe follows
2 tablespoons unsalted lite butter
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 cup thinly sliced yellow onion
1 cup thinly sliced red onion
1 cup thinly sliced leeks, white parts only
6 ounces diced ham
8 ounces thinly sliced crimini mushrooms
2 teaspoons thyme
1 teaspoon minced garlic
1 teaspoons salt
1/2 teaspoon fresh ground white pepper
1/2 cup 2% milk
6 large eggs (used egg whites from carton)
1/8 teaspoon nutmeg
1 1/2 ounces grated Italian Blend Cheese, plus 1 1/2 ounces

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. roll out crust into 9 or 10" pie plate and chill for 30 minutes
line with foil and bake for 12 minutes. remove foil and bake for another 5 minutes. cool.

saute onions in butter and olive oil (8 min). add ham, mushrooms, thyme, garlic. tsp salt and pepper (8 min). cool and add to pie crust.

in a bowl combine eggs, 1/4 tsp salt and nutmeg. whisk until just blended. stir in 1 1/2 oz grated cheese. pour over onion mixture. top with 1 1/2 oz cheese. place the quiche on a sheet pan and bake 35 minutes rotating halfway through

For the Pie Crust:
1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
4 ounces (1 stick) cold unsalted butter, cut into pieces
3 to 4 tablespoons ice water, as needed

In a food processor combine flour, salt, and butter and process until mixture resembles coarse crumbs. While the motor is running, add water in increments until dough just comes together to form a ball. Transfer dough to a lightly floured surface and shape into a flat disk. Refrigerate overnight or at least 1 hour. Remove from refrigerator and roll out on a lightly floured surface to desired shape and thickness.

While we were eating breakfast, it began to snow. nature boy thought it would be a good idea to go on a snowy hike. i thought it was a swimming idea. we loaded up the doggies and headed to thumb butte. the hike was awesome. this day has been awesome. i have had a lot of fun.

as a final note: when i was getting ready to meet him yesterday, i found i was thinking about him in a daydreamy way. i noted to myself that it was a nice change from almost always thinking about Ex. i don't really see this going anywhere far, but i am having a heck of a time while it lasts.cheers.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

i kissed a boy

last night i just couldn't help myself. nature boy celebrated his 26th birthday last night. wow this kid is so much younger than me. 9 years is a big difference, especially when the girl is the older one. that may be a bit sexist, but it is the truth i feel.

anyway, i met up with him at joe's. he had been getting his drink on since about 8:30. i arrived at 10. i bought him a beer and a shot for the event. we went back to his place to chill. he just moved into a shoebox right over the hill from my place. we laughed and talked and played with the doggies. sitting on the couch watching him i wanted him to kiss me. i wanted him to reach over and lay a soft peck on my lips. the mood and moment were so right. how did i go from only seeing this guy as a friend to wanting to make out with him, i don't know.

he is not conventionally handsome. he isn't unattractive either, he just isn't make you stop your car and cause an accident hot. he is average. he is smaller in stature (what is up with me and the little guys?) he lives meagerly, and learning of his "dumpster diving" is horrifying to me. he doesn't have a degree (yet). he moves around a lot and calls no place home. the closest is chicago where he grew up. he is all wrong wrong wrong. but still i find myself liking him.

it isn't a i am blown away by you like. it is more of a quiet whisper. it is a curiosity. oh but sitting on his tiny couch with two dogs between us, how i wanted that kiss.

i could see he was fading, and that was my cue to leave. i began my retreat. i picked up my things, headed to the door, hugged him goodbye. then something came over me. pulling out of the hug i found my hand in his. i said out loud, "my apologies, i just have to do this." i went for it. i cupped his face in my hands and i kissed him-a little tongue, a little kiss. his hands moved to my waist. it was nice. it wasn't mind numbing. it wasn't earth shattering. it was nice. i pulled away and he wobbled on his feet. he literally almost fell over. i would like to think my kiss made his knees weak, but i am going with alcohol on this one.

"happy birthday," were my last words, and i was out the door. i don't even think i heard a reply.

back at home in my big bed with my own dog pressing against me for heat, stupidly smiling, i drifted off.

Thursday, December 17, 2009


it is finals week at school. today and tomorrow the school day is only 3 hours long. i have the next two weeks off. woohoo. after work today, i met up with nature boy and his wonder pup. we went bouldering up at groom creek. i had a blast scrambling around rocks. i am a novice when it comes to climbing. he, of course, is pretty good at it. he is nature boy after all. we met up with another one of his friends from prescott college, scooter. scoots brought his dog. my pup was running in a pack it was a pretty cool sight to see. she was so happy. i caught her frolicking once or twice. back to the date. he helped me with my climb. he was patient and a good teacher. he took time to explain to me where to put my feet and how to push. how nice he was. he commented to me that he was like his father, "swarthy and obnoxious." i laughed loud at that and noted it; i wanted to quote him accurately.

the scenery was amazing. of course i forgot my camera. there were many great pic opportunities. we were bouldering around for a couple hours when we began to lose light. heading back to the car, we talked the whole way. we chatted about whatever people learning about each other chat about. i wasn't planning on spending the rest of the evening with him, but i was having such a good time that i invited him over for pizza and wii.

he helped me make a pizza from scratch (my favorite kind) we had a blast and laughed and ate good food. he actually helped me clean up just a bit before we ate. we played wii and i so kicked his ass. it is my game after all. i would hope i would be better at it. he left and i gave him a hug. i held him close maybe just a moment longer than the last time. it felt nice. i let go and just as i did i felt him hold me a little more. i wasn't about to go back in, i had already begun the retreat. i felt a warmth, a spark i hadn't felt before. after he left, i found myself smiling and sitting among my plants thinking of him-in non naughty ways and maybe one or two saucy thoughts. what does all this mean? it is nice to feel a connection with someone, even if it is small. it is nice to feel something for someone, even if the exact feeling is unclear. i am looking forward to finding out where this leads. in the meantime, i have a date on sunday with environmental activist, another outdoor adventure. my favorite kind.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

drunk and damaged

i ran into a newer friend while i was out doing some grocery shopping. she told me she had someone she wanted to introduce to me. always the optimist, i was intrigued. she told me he is 34, tall, hispanic and works at the VA. Of course i agreed.

last night we planned to meet. my grocery girl set it up. i was under the impression it was going to be a foursome date. grocery girl and her girlfriend with the new guy and me. this was not the case. i walk into tailgaters in pv and there are TWO tables filled with people ready for monday night football. cardinals got spanked by the way.

i was offered a seat right next to this lanky hispanic. he was dressed well and was relatively handsome. he spoke very little, at first. soon he began to drink beer like there was $100 bills at the bottom of the glass. i guess this was because he was just really nervous. soon he became visibly and audibly drunk. he loosened up much and was talking an awful lot. at halftime i decided that it was time for me to go home. apparently so did his mom. yes, his mother was there. on a first blind date, i met his mother, his sister and his mother's boyfriend. i overheard grocery girl's girlfriend say to him that his mother didn't want him to drive because of his head injoury. what? head injury? did i hear that correctly. i wasn't about to ask at that moment. i thought leaving was the better move.

i said my goodbyes and i was out the door. however, i must ask, what must my friends think of me if they are willing to set me up with those who have brain damage. i guess i am the indiscriminate dater after all. I have to admit, i am so curious. was he kicked in the head by a horse? i have a friend who is a school psychologist. when she was in high school she was in a pretty serious accident and suffered some brain trauma. she is a little wild and as crazy as any i guess, but doesn't seem to have any aftershocks. Maybe head injury boy leads a normal life. maybe mom packs his lunch for him everyday. there is only one way to find out.


Sunday, December 13, 2009

another date with nature boy

I met up with nature boy at his place last week. he made me deep dish pizza and invited my doggie over too. i had a smashing time. i realized even more that his past parallels that of Ex. I began to wonder if it meant anything. i wondered if i was somehow being given a second chance at romance. here was a boy that resembles in so many ways a man that i loved so much. i am meeting this person at a time in my life where i am very different from the me i was when i met Ex. I wondered if this new friend is to remain a friend as i only saw him in the beginning or is he to turn into something more. i felt a physical attraction for him that wasn't there before. the entire sensation was interesting. my eyes welled while i was hanging out with him. it is all too surreal. he walked me outside and told me how much he enjoyed spending time with me. he leaned in heading toward a kiss. i stepped back, the fresh snow crunching under my shifting weight. i lowered my head and my eyes and began to fumble for the words to explain the predicament i am in. "i enjoy spending time with you, see i am still a little gun shy and...and...i really like spending time with you. i really like your company. we have a lot in common, but...but...i don't want to go into this with any expectations."

"i think that is a great way of looking at things. i can respect that," he said sweetly.

"i hope this doesn't mean that you are not going to call me now, because i have such fun with you and our dogs get along great," i said embarrassingly.

"not at all," said he.

i left his house with a smile on my face. i have to admit, the whole evening made me wonder if i only just want to be friends with him. i am curious to see how he responds to my sort of rejection of him.

first post in a while.

it has been forever since i posted anything. i have been in hiding. when things get overwhelming for me, i run and hide. i imagine that my problems will not follow me into the abyss, but they always do. i am crawling out of the dark to face the day and tell you all about life in my world since we last touched base.

first, there is a need to address my poetic flirter. sorry, kiddo. i debated on the issue of you in my head. i am barely willing to commit to anyone let alone a twice divorce with multiple kids living at home. not my style. you made life interesting though. thanks for the ride.

second are a couple of dates i went on recently. i am going to make a couple posts about them. i feel that they need their own space. check back real soon.

Thursday, December 3, 2009


this morning i spoke on the phone for the first time with a new dating site dude. i was turned off. the celibacy thing has turned my way of thinking. in the ten minutes we were on the phone at 6:30 am he made three sexual references. i didn't like that. I am certainly no prude, but it is appalling to me. i believe inky called it moral decay. if that wasn't the term, it was something similar. however it was said, the meaning is still the same. what ever happened to learning about someone first? where is the romance? I am disappointed in that experience. It doesn't leave me with much ambition to pursue him or allow him to pursue me.

Outta left field...

A few nights ago I was curious and i went on a midnight ex excavation. I uncovered on the www his and his new woman's website. i knew the domain name existed from a previous exhumation of the leftovers of a dead relationship. the website was a save the date / wedding announcement. i was numb. physically numb. there was tingling in my lips and extremities. i felt faint. i was in shock.

I flipped though the pages learning of the story of their love; he initiated it by the way. i always found her a bit more slutty because i believed whole heartedly that she made the first move. she didn't. i learned of the proposal a few months ago. i read how happy they are and how something i wasn't sure if i ever wanted again would never be again.

it hurt. the sting took me back months. i was devastated. the ache that rose from deep inside my bosom was almost too much to bear. i know that life is suffering, but how much? i wanted an end to my grief. i didn't want to hurt. it was all counterintuitive to the progress i had made over the past months. i explored dark places in my mind. luckily i had a strong martini and the buzz dulled it all just enough. (don't try that at home kids)

i called on some friends. the troops rallied. today is a bit easier to bear. hearts and hugs to t. money, inky, doc, ky, and toot.


Tuesday, December 1, 2009

You are cordially invited...

hello You. i imagine You check my blog many times throughout the day hoping to see that i have posted some new message to You. You are in luck tonight.

i have perused my sites trying to make some matches with what little i know about You. You out there. who are You? are You really some boy with a predilection for jumbling letters or is this cousin Jethro in CA playing yet another dirty trick? it doesn't matter, i will find out eventually, and i am sure we will both have some fun along the way.

i have thought about how i want to ask You for clues, and i have come to the conclusion that i don't want to ask for them. i want You to leave tiny breadcrumbs for me. Ooh, riddles would be fun. inch by inch i want to tread along the path that leads me to your identity. So quickly You figured out who I am out there, outside these blogging walls. Yet, You really don't know who I am yet. Let's drag this on a bit for the sake of the blog, for the sake of fun, for the sake of top secret information.

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