Saturday, January 23, 2010

a string of events and running into Ex

I have spent friday and saturday mostly in bed bingeing and watching movies. i felt bad about what i was doing to my body, but i so enjoyed the sugar and fat. I knew i was going out saturday to meet up with some friends. i felt bloated and disgusting and i thought how ironic if tonight is the night i run into Ex. Irony is a bitch.

I went to Annie's, where Killer Eye was working. I wasn't there before long I spotted The Other Woman, the one Ex left me for. I was kind of taken aback. I did a double take and from across the bar I half mouthed, "Hey. How are you doing?"

She looked like a deer in headlights as she responded, "Good. and you."

"I'm fine." What the fraggle rock was happening. I was on auto pilot and how funny that auto pilot was a nice place not some I-want-to-rip-your-arm-off-and-beat-you-with-it-girly response. After the shock of the moment wore off and I could see she was no longer at the bar, I began telling KIller Eye that my Ex's new woman was there and assuredly so was he.

As the words left my lips, up strolls the little fellow. He taps me on the opposite shoulder, and I look as if I don't know where he is standing. "Hey, how are you?" Knee jerk reaction is to hug him. It is genuine and not awkward.

He asks me about how I have been. How my cats and dog are. If I still live in the same house. I tell him that I am going to take my taxes to him. He says I should, "I already know everything anyway about you." He tells me he had five tax cutomers that day. I express my pleasure for him. The conversation falls silent and I look across the bar while sipping on my soda water. "Well." he says, "It was nice seeing you."

"You too. Take care." We hug again and he disappears into the crowd swaying to the music.

I didn't feel bad or weird or sad. I felt and feel really nothing. That is pretty rad.

Before long Crazy Curly rubs my side. He is drunk and that annoys me. He tells me he has booked the band that we are listening to for the 5th of February and that I should come. "Hmm," I say through straw sips.

And older gentleman hits on me and tries to convince me that he is well off and can do and does whatever adventures he wants.

A bartender I played a round of golf with came up to me and hung out for several minutes, reminiscing about our golf game and the dinner we had after.

I felt tired and wanted to come home early. Back from the bar now and in bed. It was a nice night for me. I feel satisfied with everything.

Sunday morning I am lying in bed and Killer Eye calls me to tell me that the Other Woman was not so endearing to the bartenders. Apparently the bar was slammed and there were people there ten deep. His Woman did not like waiting. Killer told he she would need to wait or leave. She didn't like that too much. She never tipped them and wrote on her bill "Service was terrible". Ex was embarrassed and dropped a $10 and told the bartenders he was sorry.

It is wrong to feel glee that I was classy and she was less than? Yes, yes it is. I will try to be humble. Perhaps I made her uncomfortable. Perhaps she feels guilt and handles the stress with anger and alcohol. Perhaps it has nothing to do with me at all. Maybe she is just a wack-a-doo and I must show compassion for the poor creature. I will, giggling.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Koala made me a playlist

There are a few songs that I couldn't add because I couldn't find them.

Northern Industrial Town - Billy Bragg
The Busy Girl Buys Beauty - Billy Bragg
Hindsight - Built to Spill

All of the songs on the playlist are awesome. If you listen to the lyrics and the titles of the songs I think it speaks of just how he thinks / thought of me. Not to mention the music itself is great. Way to go Koala.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

An old love letter...

I was going through some computer files and moving things to and from my external hard drive to my laptop. I came across an old folder of my writing. In it was a love letter I sent to a man that continues to creep into my life here and there since he was a boy in his last year of high school, and I was a girl pretending she was a woman who worked in a late night coffee shop. Hmm, another young one. There is a pattern forming here.

My love was unrequited. After that I read The Rules-I still have trouble following them. Not long after that, I moved to AZ. I still swoon when I read his poems.

S. —

How should I start this letter? How does anyone start this letter? This one! The one that says “it”! The epistle in which is all that is held in my heart. How do I say all the things that have been swimming around inside my head for so long it seems. Secretly, I am screaming them, hoping you would hear, so I would not have to say all of it. Though, I know you do hear, or you would not say, “I wish you didn’t like me so much.” But I do. And you know that, this.

You are the song I sing to myself, the thought that stops me in mid . . . whatever. The glow. The smile. I am swinging around a lamppost in the pouring rain singing some silly tune. You are beautiful. You are motion and sound and, at times, air. For years I have kept you in a scrapbook, the vestige of a fantasy I shared with my pillow and the dark silence of my room. Now, that you are flesh to me, my reality seems more delusive. You are descended from Zeus, born from fire, carved of marble. You are mystery and heat. You are a mythical beast hovering over me. Under you, lying back in your bed, I have thought, “this isn’t happening.” But it was, and it did. And we tasted our sweetness, I yours and you mine. You are my vitamin, my daily dose of essential nutrients - wit, absurdity, sex, verse. I crave your nourishment.

I am wrapped in a mantle of everything that is you, or rather everything I have you built you up to be; no, they are the same. You are a mortal and a god, you are the angelic and the evil, you are the giver and the thief.

If the tomorrows to come find me without you, let the one word, “yes”, sound in your head, as it is the answer to all the questions that I ask myself when you are concerned. Yes. Yes! Yes, I do love you. I love to the depths and the breadth as in sonnets and songs. I love as purely as the princess loves her knight in courtly notions. I love from somewhere deep. As I write these words and reflect on the object of my affections I am inspired, and grateful, and overwhelmed. If ever that day comes when my soft curves no longer draw faint lines in your bed and my scent has vanished from your memory, please know the yesterdays I have shared with you, I will muse for eons to follow.


— [I.D.]

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

No Longer Undecided.

First, I would like to begin this post by announcing the new name of Nature Boy. He from this moment will be known as Koala. This name was originally bestowed upon him by Inky and is, I must say, quite fitting. Thanks, Ink.

That being said, let us commence with the gory details of an adult conversation about the ending of a romantic relationship.

I spent the past few days with Koala. He and I took a great trip up north. He is a fantastic travel companion, and I stand by my word when I say he is a blast to hang out with. Over the trip, I made the decision that I for sure did not see a future with this man. There are so many factors for this. Some of them may make me sound pretentious or petty and some are just awkward, bumpy clashes in the nooky department.

Tonight, K Dawg came over to hang out and do some laundry. I was terrified to have this conversation with him. It must be said that I don't usually have this conversation. I usually avoid the dude and hope he gets the hint. However, I enjoy Koala's company, I feel he deserves my respect, and it is just the right, adult thing to do.

I decided that when he reached for me is when I would pounce with my pungent news. I cleverly avoided him all night. It was just about time for my company to leave when he walks up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist.

"It is time we talk," I said immediately. I had been rehearsing my lines all night.

"About what?"

"About this. About us."

I sat him on the couch and turned down the music. "Yeah, it is that serious," I said with a smile, trying to be a little light, feeling the tension. "You asked me once that when I make a decision about you to make it once. Well, I made a decision. I don't see us having a future as a romantic couple. I know that I have taken your for a ride, and I apologize, but I was truly conflicted about my feelings for you. No more cute flirty conversations or touches from here on. However, I do so enjoy your company. I have said that many times, and that is true. I would like for us to still hang out and have adventures. I think we have the makings of a strong and fun friendship. I don't need you to say anything now. I understand if you want some time to digest all of this and meditate on the situation. It would be cool if you hung out a little longer, but I understand if you need to leave right now." I ended my speech by looking into his eyes, caramel orbs sitting in murky skin. I had been looking at the plaid pattern on my trousers until then.

I saw a corner of his mouth lift, a vain attempt to let me know it was ok. I didn't feel bad. I didn't feel like I needed to be reassured. I was comfortable with my decision. I was honest about how I felt. I made a conscious choice. I may have dinged someone's heart in the process, but it was never intentional.

This is my journey. I will meet souls along the way that either vibe with me or they don't. I can't make excuses or exceptions in my life any longer.

He stayed maybe a half hour more before he left. We talked about a hike to a waterfall in town and maybe a caving adventure in the future. It felt easy. The conversation was effortless. It was bizarre and wonderful.


Wednesday, January 13, 2010

A Rose by any other name does not smell as sweet.

There are things about nature boy that seem so mature. He has a worldly air about him that is a turn on. There are times, most times really, that I forget just how old he is. I forget that nearly a decade separates us. On occassion, I am reminded of this fact when I bring up The Great Space Coaster or quote cellulose classics like Better Off Dead or Threesome.

However, none reminds me of our age difference more than his vernacular with regards to his, um, manhood. What is his favorite reference for his phallus you ask? Allow me to enlighten and entertain, WIENER! Yes, that is right. The man-boy refers to his strong arm with the same word sung in commercial jingles, used by Germans when referring to a Viennese small sausage, and by the lovers (and haters) of that four legged waddler, the dachshund.

The thought of this makes me cringe. Did I step into a time warp that dropped me into a Junior High locker room where pimply-faced boys are discussing their limited knowledge of sex and all things related? Who over the age of 12 refers to his junk as his wiener? Call it your johnson or rod. Tell me you want to give me the high hard one. Say your snake needs to be let out of its cage, but please, oh please, stop calling it your wiener.

I have put him on suspension from the word. If he plans on me putting my own special sauce on his oscar meyer, he is forbidden from ever uttering that juvenile term again.

Wiener? Seriously?!?

Saturday, January 9, 2010

more talking

i find it amusing that the things we can't have or the things we deny ourselves are what we want more. I spent much of the evening with the nature boy yesterday. the plan was to eat and then head out to sundance's to watch hot skin play. i was ├╝ber excited to see the show. unfortunately, or maybe fortunately we never made it.

the other night as the two of us were hanging out, i explained to the kid my needs and expectations. i never really took the time to listen or ask about his. it is part of my resolve this year to be a better communicator by listening more than talking. when the subject was breached, i went in with the question, "so, what do you want?"

"huh?" was his reply.

"out of this relationship, what are you looking for?"

"well, i am a bit confused by the no more sex thing. i totally have a crush on you in case you didn't know, and i can give you the time you need to figure things out. but when you make a desicsion about me let me know and only make that decision once. i don't want to go back and forth."

these words made me a little heart sick. i am not playing games with this person, but in that moment i realized there is another person involved. another person's feelings need to be considered. it makes the making it about me and what i want so much more difficult when i care about how i affect another.

i promised to not play games and to be upfront about my feelings. i walked into the other room to continue to get ready to go out. while applying the faintest hint of eyeshadow just below my brow line a thought occurred to me. brush and makeup in hand i strolled back into the living-room. he was creating his own wii fit character-rather cute actually-and with no segue i said, "the deal is that i don't believe i take you seriously because you are so much younger. to be honest, i don't believe that you could possibly take this seriously either. in my experience and what i think i know about men is that a young man isn't ready for that long term commitment and what that means. i don't mean that i want to marry you next week or even next year, but that is the whole point of this dating thing, of what we are doing-to meet someone that you think, 'hey, i could spend the whole til-death-do with this person without killing them to get there more quickly.'"

this comment made roughly at 8:15 began a conversation that would last well past midnight. we asked an answered each others questions. our conversation turned from serious relationship talk to comfortable communication. we smoked cigarettes in my kitchen under the fan. i watched the smoke pour from his mouth and nose and disappear pirouetting into the vent. he spoke of global issues and the evils of consumerism. i looked around the room at the many things that i have accumulated. i wondered how many were made by tiny malaysian girls in dank sweat shops. probably many. i felt no guilt. i wondered how our differences would even hold up over time. i felt a little intimidated by his knowledge. i questioned the validity of our staying power. i questioned it outloud, to him, very directly. "how can you even expect this to work? you have a view and a knowledge about the world and things that are completely foreign to me. i only have my immediate sphere, and this is pretty much my only concern. how can you even think i would hold your interest over time?"

"i am trained as a social studies teacher. i teach environmental education to youth. these are the things i know and talk about. what you know, you know very well. don't sell yourself short. you hold my interest better than anyone ever has in a long time," he said.

"that is just because i am adorable," was my awkward, coy response.

"i don't know if you have noticed, but there are a lot of cute girls around prescott. if it was just because you were cute or just because i wanted sex i wouldn't be here right now. i know i am younger, but i have seen and done a lot in my life. i am not a typical 26 year old. i feel i know what i want. i am not some boy that needs to be made into a man." he looked over my shoulder at the green glow of the digital clock on my microwave, "with that, it is time to go."

i could feel inside me how i wanted him to stay. i wanted to reach out and pull him in close to my bosom and hip and just stand there, holding him, hugging him. i met his gaze and looked long. he broke the tractor beam and turned toward the door, "good night, [i.d.]"

"good night"

i stood in the kitchen for several more minutes with fantasies dancing like fabled plum fairies in my head. i imagined him coming back in, taking me over the counter, on the floor, against the cool open refrigerator door. i broke free from the bonds of my dirty thoughts and turned the deadbolt, closed the blinds, shut off the lamp. with the lights out, the phosphoric bloom of the television creates shadows on the walls that slither and skip. with the sound muted, only the occasional clicks and whoosh of the furnace can be heard. in the semi dark and semi silence of my house, i slipped into bed. the warm tingle of him still tickling my fancy. i tickled my own fancy.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

the talk

tonight hanging out with nature boy, i found myself entering into the conversation i was sort of hoping to avoid. however, i don't know if that could be completely true since i am the one who started the conversation.

in case you didn't know or didn't remember i made a promise to myself to steer clear of a sexual relationship. i wanted to get to know me a little more. i wanted to get to know someone else a little more before complicating things with sex. i didn't last too long with nature boy. this disappointed me. i felt like i was slipping into all too familiar patterns. i have had plenty of sex in my life. i want something more.

i have been withdrawing physically from the kid. and the more i back away, the closer he moves in. i felt that i owed myself and him some honesty. tonight, i explained to him that i wasn't ready to make this relationship physical. that i moved too fast into that and i really wanted to rewind the clock a bit if i could.

there was some awkward conversation, he questioned himself. i did my best to assure him that this was all about me. i feel it a bit unfair that i expect someone to revolve around what my expectations are and what i want, but at the same time he will either be ok with that and we can continue to hang out because i truly do enjoy his company or he will not be able to accept the situation and stop talking to me.

the boy has his own issues with sex. some of which i learned tonight, but i will wait for a later time to post all that as i need some time to digest the latest turn of events.

after having spoken with him, i feel better. i feel empowered. i don't feel like i have power or that i am controlling or manipulating. i feel that i am being true to me. that is the most important thing in life. i need to honor and love and respect me. i did that tonight.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

hands off.

yesterday morning i hiked around granite mountain with nature boy. he loaded my pack up with some stones for added weight. this pissed me off at first. it was early and i was cold. i can be a bit bratty when things don't go the way i want them. it reminds me of the whining i would do when parents would wake me up for school in the morning. eventually i found my groove and was kicking his ass all over the trail. he did have a considerable amount more of weight in his pack though. he is training for the summer he will spend in colorado fighting forest fires.

the kid is pretty honest. he doesn't offer empty compliments really. he tells it like it is. and as the adage goes sometimes the truth hurts. during the course of our hike he agreed that i talked too much, was a bit selfish about my involvement in my place in the world, and said i had a bit of italian princess in me. i don't think he is wrong, but to hear someone say these things is shocking. most people filter their mouths a bit more. he also told me once about the problem he had with me giving him a homemade mix cd for christmas because how they are destroying the earth.

last night i went to the tavern and met some friends. i stayed for a few and headed home. i stopped off at nature boy's place for a little late night hand rolled cigarette smoke. don't ask me why. i just enjoy smoking those wonderful little toothpicks. we made out for a touch and i was out the door. i didn't feel like making it with him. i just wanted to charge his engine (and mine) a little. i slipped home and into bed.

this morning i woke up with plans for another mid day hike. killer eye, nature boy and some others trekked it up around goldwater lake. much of the lake was frozen. there was lots of snow and mud. my dog took a huge lick of what looked and smelled like human feces. it was like she found a melty caramel bar. disgusting. despite that, it was a good time. the boy did well socializing with my friends. as we all know, sometimes when friends and lovers mingle, it can be disastrous.

i was heading to the movies later, so i dropped the kid off at his place. i went in for, yes another tobacco wonder. inside, as almost always, he feels the urge to cuddle. i mention something and he apologizes. i ask him to give me some space sometimes. i know this may be a little harsh, maybe not. it is honest though. i just don't feel the need to be affectionate like that. i don't really feel like we are dating, i take it as more of a friends with benefits thing. i believe that honesty and communication are key to any relationship-intimate, familial, platonic. however, i have no desire to have a serious talk with the boy. it would make things awkward and i don't want that. i like things the way they are. i hope i can just suggest here and there and he will take the hints and be the good little boy i know he can be. i feel that eventually our time together will end. however, until then, i am just having my fun.

Friday, January 1, 2010

new year, new me.

yesterday, killer eye asked me if i was bringing nature boy as my date to new year's eve at the joe's. i told her i was flying solo. thinking this might be a bad thing she asked me why. i said, "this is the year of the [i.d.], and that is how it should begin, with me in mind."

"great answer," she said.

and i must admit, going out last night with no date and no expectations was the best. i met some amazing people, some i knew already and some just new. it made for a wonderful evening. i laughed, i looked "banging hot", and i rang in the new year in the most exceptional way with the most exceptional person, me.

we make our own happiness. it isn't the friends by our sides, it isn't the money in our accounts, and it isn't the lovers in our beds. it is how we accept all that is around us and in us. i have never been so sure that i am where i am supposed to be. i have learned and grown so much in 2009. i have loved and lost, and it is true that was better than never having love in my life at all. i am better and stronger and smarter. i am more self reliant. i don't know what twenty ten will bring for me. i have no idea the ups and downs i will face-there will be both. i do know that i will do it all "with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child."

for auld lang syne,