Wednesday, January 6, 2010

the talk

tonight hanging out with nature boy, i found myself entering into the conversation i was sort of hoping to avoid. however, i don't know if that could be completely true since i am the one who started the conversation.

in case you didn't know or didn't remember i made a promise to myself to steer clear of a sexual relationship. i wanted to get to know me a little more. i wanted to get to know someone else a little more before complicating things with sex. i didn't last too long with nature boy. this disappointed me. i felt like i was slipping into all too familiar patterns. i have had plenty of sex in my life. i want something more.

i have been withdrawing physically from the kid. and the more i back away, the closer he moves in. i felt that i owed myself and him some honesty. tonight, i explained to him that i wasn't ready to make this relationship physical. that i moved too fast into that and i really wanted to rewind the clock a bit if i could.

there was some awkward conversation, he questioned himself. i did my best to assure him that this was all about me. i feel it a bit unfair that i expect someone to revolve around what my expectations are and what i want, but at the same time he will either be ok with that and we can continue to hang out because i truly do enjoy his company or he will not be able to accept the situation and stop talking to me.

the boy has his own issues with sex. some of which i learned tonight, but i will wait for a later time to post all that as i need some time to digest the latest turn of events.

after having spoken with him, i feel better. i feel empowered. i don't feel like i have power or that i am controlling or manipulating. i feel that i am being true to me. that is the most important thing in life. i need to honor and love and respect me. i did that tonight.


  1. Your dating escapades, continue to be
    Worth a return, at least for me
    While reading your posts, an email arrives
    Of matches they've found, their system sure strives
    To find someone who
    Views life as I do
    And who do I see, at the top of the list
    But a person with whom, I'm already dismissed
    I just found it funny, and decided to share
    About what I saw, and I know that somewhere
    We'll each find our match, in our own time
    I'll leave you now, and finish this rhyme
    And wish you again, good luck in your hunt
    With strength to know when, a man you must punt
    To leave the door open, and have just a chance
    That your perfect man, will give you a glance
    Good new year to you, I hope that you find
    Someone who'll compare, to what's in your mind


  2. you're a good man, charlie brown. happy new year to you as well. good luck in your journey.