in case you didn't know or didn't remember i made a promise to myself to steer clear of a sexual relationship. i wanted to get to know me a little more. i wanted to get to know someone else a little more before complicating things with sex. i didn't last too long with nature boy. this disappointed me. i felt like i was slipping into all too familiar patterns. i have had plenty of sex in my life. i want something more.
i have been withdrawing physically from the kid. and the more i back away, the closer he moves in. i felt that i owed myself and him some honesty. tonight, i explained to him that i wasn't ready to make this relationship physical. that i moved too fast into that and i really wanted to rewind the clock a bit if i could.
there was some awkward conversation, he questioned himself. i did my best to assure him that this was all about me. i feel it a bit unfair that i expect someone to revolve around what my expectations are and what i want, but at the same time he will either be ok with that and we can continue to hang out because i truly do enjoy his company or he will not be able to accept the situation and stop talking to me.
the boy has his own issues with sex. some of which i learned tonight, but i will wait for a later time to post all that as i need some time to digest the latest turn of events.
after having spoken with him, i feel better. i feel empowered. i don't feel like i have power or that i am controlling or manipulating. i feel that i am being true to me. that is the most important thing in life. i need to honor and love and respect me. i did that tonight.