Tuesday, February 2, 2010

wheels in motion ...

turning, turning in my head. thoughts tumble around, socks in the dryer. I need to do my laundry.

Ever since I ran into Ex at the bar I have been thinking here and there. At first, the thoughts seemed harmless. Ex would pop into my head and I would replay the scene at the bar. I would smile at how well I handled it all. It was all harmless. Harmless, hmph! The cute hamster seems harmless too until it gnaws through the metal bars of its cage and eats the faces off the kids.

Soon, every time he would pop into my head, I would get just a little less smily. That bar scene didn't seem so much fun anymore. I began to play the reels of fun and adventures and late night Lost sessions. The sadness began to salivate when it recognized the familiar ring of his face, his laugh, his love. I miss the closeness. I don't think we ever get over that.

We are animals, naturally wanting to couple. It is unnatural not to. It is unwise to do so hastily. I don't blame myself for wanting. I have to be honest and say I don't really want him I want a connection.

Tumbling, rumbling, ruminating-the turning of my thoughts moves me to action. The gym. The blog. The kitchen. The damn laundry. I feel better. I stretch. I breathe. I allow all of it to move through me. I have found center for the moment.

Tomorrow I will see him. We have an appointment to discuss business. My knees wobble at the thought. Why do I feel scared? Mine is not to reason why. Mine is but to do or die.

I am marching into a battle. The enemy is fear and suffering. I have my pride. I will give into none. I will be brave and impenetrable. I will be swift and efficient. I won't give the son of a bitch one crumb of my self esteem.

Dude, do you hear trumpets blaring right now or maybe some Beyonce?

Wish me luck.

1 comment:

  1. I wish you luck, of this you know
    Make sure emotions, you do not show
    Familiar feelings, I share with you
    Missing closeness, a familiar view
    Don't want her back, I deserve much more
    This being single, is such a chore
    I do now realize, need to take my time
    And find someone, that gets my rhyme
    If I could play, a trumpet or two
    Blaring them loud, would I for you
    Let him see, what he is missing
    He'll then realize, and do some ass kissing
    But you are better, show him as much
    Make sure he isn't, your emotional crutch

    Good Luck