Friday, April 23, 2010

Have you missed me?

If you have been wondering where I have been, wonder no more. Where you worried about me? Were you thinking I was hit over the head, kidnapped, lying in a ditch, gave up on dating? Hell no. Some email hacker stole my stuff. But I begged and pleaded and offered the Google guys some sexual favors and here I am. Back and badass.

So there have been some exploits since the last time we spoke. Koala have moved away. No more strange, dirty stuffed animal sex. I haven't been really hitting up the online dating scene too much. I've been too busy. I got a new job downtown bar tending / waitressing. I have been going out more and meeting people and people have been coming in and meeting me. Below is one such tale.

One of my first days on the job, this handsome hispanic looking man comes in with his kid. Now, I am not really a man-who-has-a-kid kind of person, but I thought this guy way gooohood looking. We do some friendly flirts here and there. As he is leaving he fishes for his business card, I stealthfully produce my number from my pocket and say, "why don't you call me."

A few days later he texts. He asks me out a few times only giving me hours notice. I am just not that type of girl. I need to know at least three days in advance. I have such a hectic schedule and I am worth the notice.

Finally, after several attempts we find a time and day that works for both of us. A hike date. My favorite kind. We head to the old copper mine, drink a beer by the runoff stream, eat sushi at Esoji's and top off the evening drinking red wine from tall glasses. If that is all there was to tell, it sounds like a perfect date, but I am the I.D. and there is always more to tell.

Over the course of our date, which I would say lasted four hours, I learned copious amounts about him. Unfortunately, he learned nothing about me. It isn't because I wouldn't talk. It is because I couldn't. The few times I tried to share something about me, I was interrupted immediately with another story about his life. It was laughable and agitating.

So what did I learn about this man. Well...

he has psychic abilities to read minds.
he will someday wake me up telepathically.
his mother was murdered when he was twenty three and his family thinks that he did it.
he was struck by lightning but never told anyone.
he left his body when he was hit by lightening and "they" sent him back after talking to him, erasing his memory, and giving him new "powers"
he was a rapper, but lightning took his rapping ability away.
he was shot in the head by a forty caliber and his head shattered the bullet sending it flying in four pieces in the walls beside and behind him and then .5 inches into the concrete floor below him.
he played humpty hump on stage as shock g's stunt double three times and stayed in character all the way to the hotel
he was a bounty hunter in colorado and was dog's competition.
his life parallels our president's and people often tell him that
his mother speaks to him often from the grave.
he read a man's mind at dinner and decided he was an asshole.
he smells like fried chicken.
he was punched in the throat and it crushed his vocal chords and that is why he talks the way he does-he talks like Christian Bale as Batman, very throaty and sort of ominous.
we went to esoji, he ordered mad food, and then forgot his card. i paid. $80
he wouldn't leave when i was so falling asleep.
he called me a prude (sort of jokingly) because i didn't want to get physical. I am just not that kind of girl.
he got mad when i wouldn't hold his hand because that is something intimate and personal to me that I only do with people that I care about.
he left, finally.

He texted me the next day, and asked how I slept. I replied, "don't you know already?" Psychic my ass. More like a little Psycho. :)

Glad to be back,
I.D.